Monday, February 25, 2008

Resume normal lifestyle

I went to work this morning which was a good change of pace. Now all I need to figure out is how to like, focus on work once I get there.

I feel "yucky." Not infection-fever-yucky, but stomach yucky. I don't think I should take Vicodin anymore--at least while I'm on the Prednisone. Here's the thing with my belly, it just always feels bad. I am going to get tired of this soon.

I need to block myself from googling anything about Aleukemic Leukemia Cutis: that's the technical name for what I have and there's not a lot out there but weird case studies--too many of them where people randomly die. The ALC is particularly rare with my kind of leukemia so there's nothing specific to what I've got going on and delving too much further can only result in scary shit.

There's not really time to go into this right now, but I've also decided to lay off the Cancer support forums because they scare me as well. Cancer is a pretty broad spectrum of disease, treatment, and infirmary and I'm just not ready to entertain the worse case scenarios being lived by too many people out there. All I can do for now is focus on how I'm currently doing (which is pretty well) and not think about 6 or 12 months out when The Moment of Truth or whatnot comes and they tell me if my cells are staying in check. This is whole process is bearable when I only think about how I'm doing symptomatically (my back hurts, my tummy hurts, I'm tired, grouch, grouch) and not when I think about what's happening more generally with my DNA and my mortality. See, scary?

OK, I'm going to Chemo. Tomorrow I'm getting a massage for my back.

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