Saturday, February 16, 2008

Cell death

The Reality of chemo is starting to hit today. There is a tingling in my gums, my throat, my scalp... It doesn't feel good, but by no means is it painful--it's just the death throws of my billions of fast-splitting cells.

It's easier to feel objective about this than personal. So I guess I'm trying to focus on how this is so interesting. My kidneys are sore today. It's probably because all these dead cells have to be carried out of my body some how, but first they get processed in my kidneys.

And the most exciting news of all: Little Buddy is a quarter of his form size. He's practically gone. The stitches from my biopsy are hanging out...

They let me out on a 6-hour pass today. It was great. My mom, Sarah, and I hit up the Mac Store (as opposed to the fascist Apple Store) for a new computer. I got the black MacBook (with added ram, N3.) It's hot--especially with its red case.

I'd like to straight up admit that I am getting really spoiled by this "I have Cancer" gig, but I would also point out that all these years I've been using the SAME computer that I got for high school graduation. That's right, my little G3, 9.6GB iBook has been serving me faithfully for the last 7 1/2 years, but it no longer cuts it with all the time I plan on spending on YouTube in the coming months.

After the Mac Store, we hit up U-Village for a few other items and the whole thing left me wrecked. I think I'm starting to realize that I'm sick and that my body is dying. I mean, not enough to die, but that's what's happening here! I got to go home to the Mansion and take a nap in my own bed. It was freakin' amazing. I didn't realize how homesick I was and how much I wanted to be home until I curled up in my Most Amazing Bed. Now I'm back at the hospital and I'm feeling pretty sad about how I have to be here and it suddenly seems real that I'm going to lose my hair in the next few days and that I'm just not going to be able to do all the stuff that I'm used to. Technically it's time for my Prednisone which might get me all hopped up but I'm tired of taking chemicals. FUCK.

Gratitudes of the day: BAMF new computer, getting to sleep in my own bed, the fact that the chemo is working.

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