Week=Over
Weekend=Just Beginning.
Holler.
23 hours ago
Thursday, July 02, 2009
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Do over
Today I tried really hard all day to be in a good mood. I was like, "DAMMIT JESSIE HOW DO YOU EXPECT GOOD THINGS TO COME INTO YOUR LIFE IF YOU AREN'T HAPPY AND GRATEFUL??? BE HAPPY, DAMMIT."
As you can imagine, it was a complete FAIL on my part.
Yesterday was insane. Today I only went to work for about 3 hours. Then I just wanted to die. So I went home and took some klonopin. If benzos are in the same family as alcohol, they are probably depressents which would explain why I felt so morose coming down? Drugs are not the answer to all problems, apparently. I need to unwind from June, but I just don't know where to start.
There are a lot of things for which I am grateful. First and foremost is that life is exciting and dynamic enough to be presenting all of these challenges. So I just need to balance the thrill of all of this stimulous and still be sane and healthy.
Here is the high light from today:
This morning I got up a little early (inspiration credit AC) and did some stretching and reading of Mary Oliver poems.
ONE OR TWO THINGS
Don't bother me.
I've just
been born.
The butterfly's loping flight
carries it thourgh the country of the leaves
delicately, and well enough to get it
where it wants to go, wherever that is, stopping
here and there to fuzzle the damp throats
of flowers and the black mud; up
and down it swings, frenzied and aimless; and sometimes
for long delicious moments it is perfectly
lazy, riding motionless in the breeze on the soft stalk
of some ordinary flower
The god of dirt
came up to me many times and said
so many wise and delectable things, I lay
on the grass listening
to his dog voice,
crow voice,
frog voice, now,
he said, now,
and never once mentioned forever,
which has nevertheless always been,
like a sharp iron hoof,
at the center of my mind.
One or two things are all you need
to travel over the blue pond, over the deep
roughage of the trees and through the stiff
flowers of lightening--some deep
memory of pleasure, some cutting
knowledge of pain.
But to lift the hoof!
For that you need
an idea.
For year and years I struggled
just to love my life. And then
the butterly
rose, weightless, in the wind.
"Don't love your life
too much," it said,
and vanished
into the world.
-Mary Oliver
And with that, I'm off to bed to try again tomorrow.
As you can imagine, it was a complete FAIL on my part.
Yesterday was insane. Today I only went to work for about 3 hours. Then I just wanted to die. So I went home and took some klonopin. If benzos are in the same family as alcohol, they are probably depressents which would explain why I felt so morose coming down? Drugs are not the answer to all problems, apparently. I need to unwind from June, but I just don't know where to start.
There are a lot of things for which I am grateful. First and foremost is that life is exciting and dynamic enough to be presenting all of these challenges. So I just need to balance the thrill of all of this stimulous and still be sane and healthy.
Here is the high light from today:
This morning I got up a little early (inspiration credit AC) and did some stretching and reading of Mary Oliver poems.
ONE OR TWO THINGS
Don't bother me.
I've just
been born.
The butterfly's loping flight
carries it thourgh the country of the leaves
delicately, and well enough to get it
where it wants to go, wherever that is, stopping
here and there to fuzzle the damp throats
of flowers and the black mud; up
and down it swings, frenzied and aimless; and sometimes
for long delicious moments it is perfectly
lazy, riding motionless in the breeze on the soft stalk
of some ordinary flower
The god of dirt
came up to me many times and said
so many wise and delectable things, I lay
on the grass listening
to his dog voice,
crow voice,
frog voice, now,
he said, now,
and never once mentioned forever,
which has nevertheless always been,
like a sharp iron hoof,
at the center of my mind.
One or two things are all you need
to travel over the blue pond, over the deep
roughage of the trees and through the stiff
flowers of lightening--some deep
memory of pleasure, some cutting
knowledge of pain.
But to lift the hoof!
For that you need
an idea.
For year and years I struggled
just to love my life. And then
the butterly
rose, weightless, in the wind.
"Don't love your life
too much," it said,
and vanished
into the world.
-Mary Oliver
And with that, I'm off to bed to try again tomorrow.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Yeah!
Happy Pride! Today I went to the parade (sorry no terrible pictures) and like every year it was very emotional. There are always a few times when I just want to burst into tears because I feel so... happy.
The thing about Pride is that it's not just about being Gay. It's about being yourself. It's about being proud of the big freak that you are. I'm not saying gay people are freaks, I'm saying allllll people are freaks. And Pride is about celebrating who we are. Everyone dresses up. If your true self wants to wear a string bikini that's cool. If your true self wants to wear a 3 piece suit that's cool too. If your true self loves boas and ridiculous earrings... People flaunt their sexual kinks, spiritual affiliations, hobbies, pets, familial choices, politics... And it rocks.
The lame part is how corporate the whole situation has become and how much promotional crap gets handed out and how much garbage is generated. This year my goal was to not accept anything but free condoms. No leaflets, no candy, no free soap samples, no vitamin water... no crap. Just condoms. Happy Pride. Happy Be Yourself Day. Come out, everyone. Come out as you. Start being honest about who you are, who you love, and what you want.
The thing about Pride is that it's not just about being Gay. It's about being yourself. It's about being proud of the big freak that you are. I'm not saying gay people are freaks, I'm saying allllll people are freaks. And Pride is about celebrating who we are. Everyone dresses up. If your true self wants to wear a string bikini that's cool. If your true self wants to wear a 3 piece suit that's cool too. If your true self loves boas and ridiculous earrings... People flaunt their sexual kinks, spiritual affiliations, hobbies, pets, familial choices, politics... And it rocks.
The lame part is how corporate the whole situation has become and how much promotional crap gets handed out and how much garbage is generated. This year my goal was to not accept anything but free condoms. No leaflets, no candy, no free soap samples, no vitamin water... no crap. Just condoms. Happy Pride. Happy Be Yourself Day. Come out, everyone. Come out as you. Start being honest about who you are, who you love, and what you want.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Be proud
I am still sick--beginning to think I have bronchitis. At 4am this morning I gave in and self prescribed 20 mg of prednisone to bring down the swelling in my throat and hopefully the irritation in my bronchial tubes. At night I cough so much that I can’t sleep. It is a serious, serious drag. Robatussin is bullshit. I know I’m not a doctor, but I certainly spend a lot of time googling things and I am a WFR…
My oncologist saw me last Friday when I was at my sickest and pronounced me, “fabulous! Go upstairs and take your chemo!”
This is the problem with an oncologist being your primary care physician. When you ask about birth control he assures you that probably can’t get pregnant and even if you did, your current chemo regimen would kill any fetus. Then he gets confused, “wait, I have hundreds of patients, are you one that wants to have babies?” When you have a horrible cold and everyone in the civilian world looks at you like you have the plague, the cancer center folks tell you look beautiful and healthy. If only I could live my entire life just being compared to aged cancer patients…
It’s Gay Pride this weekend! Yeah! We’re here! We’re queer! Get used to it! I think of myself as a pretty queer straight person and even if you get offended by that and insist that I use the label “Ally” that’s fine. There are a still a freaking ton of parties and cool things to do! Christina and I went to Equalityoga practice this morning and did sun salutations with a few hundred folks. I focused my practice on what I’ve been focusing on for the last few months: radical self acceptance. I think this fit in neatly with theme of trying to get equal rights for everyone because if we all focus on accepting ourselves just the way we are, we would probably start to accept other people the way they are too. Christina meditated on love.
Then I began the long and what I am sure will be tedious search for a maid of honor dress for Sarah’s wedding. I only found one acceptable item on my search this afternoon. Sadly I found it in the Designer section. That Tory Burch—she makes a gorgeous sun dress, but $395 is just too much for me to spend right now… on a dress.
The last month has been unbelievably stressful and intense. I am not sorry to say goodbye June 2009. And now it is practically over. I’m trying to stay focused on what I have and what is good in my life and trying not to dwell on the things that are not just the way I want them. I am mostly successful at this.
My oncologist saw me last Friday when I was at my sickest and pronounced me, “fabulous! Go upstairs and take your chemo!”
This is the problem with an oncologist being your primary care physician. When you ask about birth control he assures you that probably can’t get pregnant and even if you did, your current chemo regimen would kill any fetus. Then he gets confused, “wait, I have hundreds of patients, are you one that wants to have babies?” When you have a horrible cold and everyone in the civilian world looks at you like you have the plague, the cancer center folks tell you look beautiful and healthy. If only I could live my entire life just being compared to aged cancer patients…
It’s Gay Pride this weekend! Yeah! We’re here! We’re queer! Get used to it! I think of myself as a pretty queer straight person and even if you get offended by that and insist that I use the label “Ally” that’s fine. There are a still a freaking ton of parties and cool things to do! Christina and I went to Equalityoga practice this morning and did sun salutations with a few hundred folks. I focused my practice on what I’ve been focusing on for the last few months: radical self acceptance. I think this fit in neatly with theme of trying to get equal rights for everyone because if we all focus on accepting ourselves just the way we are, we would probably start to accept other people the way they are too. Christina meditated on love.
Then I began the long and what I am sure will be tedious search for a maid of honor dress for Sarah’s wedding. I only found one acceptable item on my search this afternoon. Sadly I found it in the Designer section. That Tory Burch—she makes a gorgeous sun dress, but $395 is just too much for me to spend right now… on a dress.
The last month has been unbelievably stressful and intense. I am not sorry to say goodbye June 2009. And now it is practically over. I’m trying to stay focused on what I have and what is good in my life and trying not to dwell on the things that are not just the way I want them. I am mostly successful at this.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Light!
Today I woke up feeling... better! I think we are staring down the final throes. Swine flu: 0, Jessie: 1.
Today is father's day. I called my dad (who is way cool) and we chatted for about a minute, but then he had to go because his band was about to start playing. My dad is in a band. They were playing at a Solstice Party. My dad has been doing community art and music for as long as I can remember. He taught me to love doing art projects with people, making music with people, and playing sports with people. It was never about being good: it was about having fun, being in community, and creating things. Go, Dad. I have a good dad.
It's weird to be 26 and to have never really had any desire to rebel against the values of my parents. They are right-on folks. They taught me to believe in myself, to be a good person and to invest in others. They taught me to love food, music, art, books, math, science, the outdoors, being active, my family, and myself. They hold progressive politics that have inspired my own. The only two fights I have ever gotten in with either of them (in regards to values) are as follows:
September 14, 2001: I point out at dinner with my dad that I don't find it shocking at all that terrorists would attack the US, seeing how much death, havoc, and violence we wreak daily on the rest of the world. My dad looked at me severely and told me this was not the time.
Summer 2003: I told my mom that it didn't matter if people had tacky weddings with dopey rituals because the whole act of marriage and weddings was kind of tacky and dopey and it was just a 4th century oppressive Roman/Christian institution that is exploited by our disgusting consumer driven culture. Sometimes we also fight about the fact that she loves to go on about how many gays she's married in church-y ceremonies but won't recognize polyfidelity/marriages.
My bedtime is 9:30 tonight because I am getting up at 6:30.
The book waiting for me in bed is The Ethical Slut.
Today is father's day. I called my dad (who is way cool) and we chatted for about a minute, but then he had to go because his band was about to start playing. My dad is in a band. They were playing at a Solstice Party. My dad has been doing community art and music for as long as I can remember. He taught me to love doing art projects with people, making music with people, and playing sports with people. It was never about being good: it was about having fun, being in community, and creating things. Go, Dad. I have a good dad.
It's weird to be 26 and to have never really had any desire to rebel against the values of my parents. They are right-on folks. They taught me to believe in myself, to be a good person and to invest in others. They taught me to love food, music, art, books, math, science, the outdoors, being active, my family, and myself. They hold progressive politics that have inspired my own. The only two fights I have ever gotten in with either of them (in regards to values) are as follows:
September 14, 2001: I point out at dinner with my dad that I don't find it shocking at all that terrorists would attack the US, seeing how much death, havoc, and violence we wreak daily on the rest of the world. My dad looked at me severely and told me this was not the time.
Summer 2003: I told my mom that it didn't matter if people had tacky weddings with dopey rituals because the whole act of marriage and weddings was kind of tacky and dopey and it was just a 4th century oppressive Roman/Christian institution that is exploited by our disgusting consumer driven culture. Sometimes we also fight about the fact that she loves to go on about how many gays she's married in church-y ceremonies but won't recognize polyfidelity/marriages.
My bedtime is 9:30 tonight because I am getting up at 6:30.
The book waiting for me in bed is The Ethical Slut.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Too late for Swine Flu jokes?
Week from Hell, round 1=over. Week from Hell, round 2=nagging at the back of my mind and causing anxiety. It is now the weekend. I just awoke from a 5 hour, klonopin induced nap on a Saturday afternoon. I have no plans to leave my house until Monday morning. Even though it would dramatically improve my quality of life next week to work through this weekend, I simply cannot. It is time to rest.
This week was interesting because I knew how much I was hurting my body by working long, high stress days. I knew it was making this awful cold about 10 millions times worse. But there was no. Way. Out. I simply have so fucking much work it's impossible. And no. There are not people to delegate to because that would require taking a lot of time to explain complex systems. Stress makes me paranoid. I know it's bad--way bad. It fucks up your immune system, your digestive system, your emotional equilibrium, and I really believe it's damaging on a cellular level. I believe stress is like poison in my body. And it makes me feel grosser than the swine flu that is currently taken residence.
My health update is that despite the green goo coming out of my nose, eyes, and throat, Dr K pronounced me healthy enough to do my full cycle of chemo on Thursday night. He used his fancy doctor flashlight and said there was nothing bacterial going on in my throat and nose. Viruses--they will be the downfall of our species! I feel like absolute ass.
My personal life is taking a hard hit due to work being so crappy. I a) work all the time, b) am too tired to do a lot of stuff when I'm not working, c) rarely have the energy to reach out and talk to people who are on my social periphery and therefor look like an aloof jack ass, and d) am that annoying person who just bitches endlessly about how fucked and miserable her job is when you do finally get me in a social context. I suck. My social life sucks. My friends are still really cool.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Week from Hell, round 2 should conclude our Weeks from Hell for the month of June. This post is not about sympathy or people finding solutions to my problems. It's is about the reality of what's going on in my life. It's about my post-cancer answers to life post-cancer. It's about lessons learned and forgotten and a realignment of values. It's about trying to do it right, to have it all, and the bumps along the way. It's about blogging stoned on anti-anxiety drugs.
Oettinger, out.
This week was interesting because I knew how much I was hurting my body by working long, high stress days. I knew it was making this awful cold about 10 millions times worse. But there was no. Way. Out. I simply have so fucking much work it's impossible. And no. There are not people to delegate to because that would require taking a lot of time to explain complex systems. Stress makes me paranoid. I know it's bad--way bad. It fucks up your immune system, your digestive system, your emotional equilibrium, and I really believe it's damaging on a cellular level. I believe stress is like poison in my body. And it makes me feel grosser than the swine flu that is currently taken residence.
My health update is that despite the green goo coming out of my nose, eyes, and throat, Dr K pronounced me healthy enough to do my full cycle of chemo on Thursday night. He used his fancy doctor flashlight and said there was nothing bacterial going on in my throat and nose. Viruses--they will be the downfall of our species! I feel like absolute ass.
My personal life is taking a hard hit due to work being so crappy. I a) work all the time, b) am too tired to do a lot of stuff when I'm not working, c) rarely have the energy to reach out and talk to people who are on my social periphery and therefor look like an aloof jack ass, and d) am that annoying person who just bitches endlessly about how fucked and miserable her job is when you do finally get me in a social context. I suck. My social life sucks. My friends are still really cool.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Week from Hell, round 2 should conclude our Weeks from Hell for the month of June. This post is not about sympathy or people finding solutions to my problems. It's is about the reality of what's going on in my life. It's about my post-cancer answers to life post-cancer. It's about lessons learned and forgotten and a realignment of values. It's about trying to do it right, to have it all, and the bumps along the way. It's about blogging stoned on anti-anxiety drugs.
Oettinger, out.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Om
Still sick. Was grumpy, bitter, and stressed. Now am radiating peace and courage.
Peace and Courage were the themes of tonight's yoga class which is interesting because my mantras over the last week or so have been "everyone is doing their best" and "you are a strong woman." In the last two days I have stopped mantra-ing and resorted to lots of bitching internally and externally. It was good to go to yoga and clean out my body and brain.
The other week I was at Christina's for brunch and we were making fun of somebody's ex girlfriend. The somebody was sitting there with a half smile on her face. We asked if we should stop. "No... my lower self is loving this."
My higher self: is actually doing a good job forgiving and truly believes that the people in my life who haven't been totally awesome lately really are trying their best...
My lower self: struggles with wishing a pestilence on folks who hurt my feelings and f up my otherwise perfect existence.
Peace and Courage were the themes of tonight's yoga class which is interesting because my mantras over the last week or so have been "everyone is doing their best" and "you are a strong woman." In the last two days I have stopped mantra-ing and resorted to lots of bitching internally and externally. It was good to go to yoga and clean out my body and brain.
The other week I was at Christina's for brunch and we were making fun of somebody's ex girlfriend. The somebody was sitting there with a half smile on her face. We asked if we should stop. "No... my lower self is loving this."
My higher self: is actually doing a good job forgiving and truly believes that the people in my life who haven't been totally awesome lately really are trying their best...
My lower self: struggles with wishing a pestilence on folks who hurt my feelings and f up my otherwise perfect existence.
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