Refreshingly Type A

It has been an emotionally complicated week, friends. Goddamn, prednisone, you make me insane.

Wednesday I came off (as scheduled) but for some reason I had a particularly brutal resurgence of post-roid despondency and spent the entire day freaking out about nothing identifiable. It was a serious case of Malaise.

It is ALMOST OVER. And I am fucking ready. The Pred makes me nutty, the Vinc is making my skin going crazy, the Mtx has my stomach on defense all the time.

But back to Wednesday: even though I wanted to burst into tears all day and I felt like the world was crashing down around my shoulders, I used my white-person-buddhist-mantra about the moment being temporary and it was all good. It's the drugs that make me crazy--it's not a permanent state of the world. Holler.

But what I really wanted to say in this post is that I have found a new thing that I love about being in school... the refreshing ok-ness of being a type A personality. I like things to be in order. I like them to happen as planned. I like to eat the exact same thing for breakfast every morning and as hard as I try, I am just not a chill kind of person.

In a lot of ways I've spent my entire adult life trying to fight this. Mostly for positive reasons: being rigid, stubborn, and attached is mostly ego and doesn't really do a lot to make life more pleasant. The other part of it is that it also is not cool to be a Crazy Bitch. Between undergrad at UO and then working with youth, I had to get good at pretending like I was a chill person. And for my own sanity I kind of learned how to accept reality, find order in chaos, and how to let things go.

I can't decide if it's just kind of people at a policy school or whether it the influx of people in my life from the east coast, but all of a sudden it's ok not to be totally chill all the time. It's ok to want things a certain way, to be hyper organized, to care about things being good.

Conclusion: I like it here.

Hang in there

Hello Again,

Thanks for sticking around through these lean-news times. It is good when you have a cancer blog and nothing to blog about. Prednisone blah blah blah. Doubtless, you are getting tired of hearing me introduce almost every post with some sort of disclaimer of content. It's been hard to think of funny, interesting things to tell you.

Mostly I find myself dictating impassioned rants as I ride my bike to school. To distract me from the burning in my hamstrings, I get all furious at Lexuses (it's always the Lexi) that seem to think that hurling around a traffic circle that caters to bikes and pedestrians at 40 miles an hour is more important than human life. Jack asses.

So I get all heated and instead of making up little songs (for those of you who remember my classic "hot, hot hamstrings") I compose angry blog posts about hypocritical yuppies (pot! you are black!) I just get so pissed when I put my life at risk for the greater good (less cars, less oil, more fitness!) and idiotic faux-liberals burn by me in Priuses. Fuck that.

But that's not all I think about. I've also been thinking WAY too much about the hottie threesome on Gossip Girl last week. Holy Smokes. I know I said that I was putting "love" on hold til 2010, but I'm not sure I can wait that long. I need a boyfriend. Stat.

Lest you fear that I am dumping 50K in the toilet and spending all my free emotional energy thinking about seducing Penn Badgeley... worry no more. Here is a school update:

My class is the in the middle of a congressional budget simulation project. We're all playing different senators, the "Obama" team is crafting the budget and we're tradin options and fighting and sending out silly press releases and trying to figure out how the heck anything gets done--even in a Senate with 60 dems! Thankfully, there are lots of nerdy, impassioned and amazing people in the simulation to make it really interesting. I'm staying in character by being boring, moderate, and cautious. And by not really doing a whole lot but thinking about Penn. Oh wait. Just give me nuclear energy and I'll vote for yer damn Cap and Trade. Who am I? Lisa Murkowski... exactly.

Essentially, every year the Congress has to pass a budget. Instead of starting from scratch and putting only the things you want in there, you start with last ear's budget and cut/add. The CBO releases an independent assessment of what all the options (cutting and adding) cost/save. There are over 150 options just for Healthcare. So I've been doing a lot of reading and thinking about that kind of thing. Man, I could put together a great budget that got rid of the deficit and it would be SO AWESOME!!! Yo, Congress, give me a shot.

Today in my Micro Econ class we started talking about health insurance pools and my professor was revisiting the idea that you know, SOMEONE has to pay for health insurance. In most cases it's your risk pool and you all share the costs... And it blah blah blah, cutting the variation down to zero blah blah blah, it begs the question, "who is your risk pool." If I shared a risk pool with a bunch of other low-potential SCT candidates, our premiums would still be insane. So that's crappy. Can you imagine what it would look like in a moderate risk pool? Yipes. So anyway, now I can draw a graph :) And now I can say that we should probably all just share a risk pool and invest money in preventative care and BETTER NUTRITION.

And whoa! I'll be in the PNW in a week for Thanksgiving! Yeah!

Swedish Cancer Institute: the best place in the WHOLE world

15 down, 2 to go!!!!

Yesterday I flew up to Seattle for the day. The whole day was absolutely wonderful. It started with Julian and I at Pho Hai Yen for some rockin Rainier Valley pho and a tour of NoBea. Julian is fabulous. While part of me would like him to realize that there is no life in NoBea without me (and that he should move to the East Bay) it gives me even MORE pleasure to see him so happy and thriving in an environment I know for sure to be a GREAT PLACE. I guess that's a good thing :)

Then I went to Swedish. I had been wondering if I was being a total prima donna about the whole switch back, but the MINUTE I walked into Swedish I knew I had made the right choice. The front desk ladies were so happy to see me! My phlebotomists gave me a hug! People couldn't stop telling me how happy they were to see me and how absolutely fantastic I was looking. Dr. K and I had a longer sit down than we have in months. He told me how proud he was of me and how fantastic I looked had me flex my rockin abs for him (very appreciative) and hugged a lot and talked about all the parts of this journey that had brought me to better places. Perhaps more importantly for my readers, we talked all about the FUTURE. The FUTURE post-treatment. What it means when I am no longer tethered to an IV pole and cell-killing poisons!

The plan:
December 16: second to last infusion at Swedish
January 13: LAST infusion
Sometime in January: full PET, bone marrow biopsy, brain MRI, full blood panel... intentionally missing in this series of tests is the SPINAL TAP which Dr. K waived as I had a clean one last spring during my migraine-month.
After everything comes back clear, I'm on to semi yearly check ups which I have a feeling will consist mostly of hugs.

After seeing Dr. K I went up to treatment. Jenny B, one of my fave nurses was assigned to me which was a good time. Anita, who is my magic IV starter was on lunch, but when Jenny told her I was outside, she left her lunch just to start my IV--on the first try! Later Jenny said that Anita does not usually do these things, but that she has a liking for me! Maura and Marilyn came by for hugs and to postulate when in fact, Marilyn's son and I can get married. Maybe in a few years.

All I can say is that these are my People. I love the staff at Swedish so much.

Then I was off to an early Dinner Club (sans CL) at the AC and RAchel's. Rachel made an incredible vegan feast that involved garbanzo beans and we just enjoyed a reunion of our community. Rachel drove me back to the airport after dinner and I was in Berkeley, in my bed, by 11pm.

Damn, Seattle. You've been working out. Yesterday you were 40 degrees, sunny, and beautiful. It worked. I'll declare on the internet that I'm still madly in love with you. Wait for me, baby. I'll be back in 18 months.

Over it

Ugggghhh. It's midterms this week. I know I've been really spotty about updating and when I do it's kind of lame and obvious that I'm just avoiding doing homework and not here to share anything substantive... Life is requiring a lot of energy these days and so I find my free time being absorbed mostly by Hulu. A TV renaissance in the life of Jessie.

This healthcare shit is scaring the hell out of me. And I can't seem to mobilize very well. I don't want to blog about it, I don't want to protest, it takes every thing I have just to send emails/phone calls to Congress people trying to get my vote chalked up on the "pro" side. It's just so fucking disturbing how absolutely evil the insurance industry is. Pure. Evil. My tongue is not in my cheek (as it often is when I'm making fun of conservatives) I am serious. The system is so broken and so many people are so fucked and our elected officials don't really care. And a surprising number of my fellow Americans don't care either. It's tragic. Our whole world is tragic. See? This is where thinking about health care gets me... totally depressed! Because it's just one of the many arms of systemic oppression that rules the globe.

OK. Enough. Here's the exciting cancer news this week: I bought shampoo. It has been over 20 months since I've had to wash my hair... it's always been so short that just rinsing it was good enough. This week not only did my chin break out like I was 16 years old, I kept noticing that my hair was... greasy. So just another sign that life is slowly crawling back to "normal." I'm not sure how to spin my zits as positive, so we can just focus on the hair. Huzzah!

The real question is, what now? Grow it out? Keep it short? I don't know!

I think I kicked my Quant midterm's ass but I am feeling less secure about my Econ test tomorrow. I should probably study. And that's why I'm updating Inertia and just finished baking gluten-free pumpkin, chocolate chip cookies. They are fab. They are for my Econ class. And maybe Julian. I'll be in Seattle on Wednesday for chemo at Swedish!

Damn

That dwarf in Lord of the Rings in amazing shape.

(obviously not doing homework)

homework a-no-no

It's not so much that I have anything to say as that I do not want to do my homework. My brain went on strike the other week and is refusing to come back until I up its Hulu time. But there are only SO MANY tv shows that you can subject yourself to! Come on, brain--we're starting to watch House re-runs...

Yesterday I had one of the top 10 worst hangovers of my life. And I didn't even drink that much on Friday night! It's the f-ing methotrexate! It makes my stomach "sensitive," and every once in a while it makes me feel really booty--especially if I'm not eating well or I'm really stressed out. So on Friday I took it with a sizeable afternoon "snack" and went to sweaty ashtanga yoga flow. When I got home I wasn't really hungry so I just got ready to go to a party and forgot to rehydrate... I biked to said party, imbibed some light beers, and biked home--not very drunk. When I woke up on Saturday morning I felt like DEATH. I have thrown up 4 times (3 times at home, and once outside of North Berkeley BART). My stomach STILL hurts. I have rehydrated the shit out of my body and eaten only gentle foods. I got a ton of sleep. Me thinks something is up.

In happier news, there is a new Avett Brothers CD. The first song is about moving to Brooklyn so I'm sure you can guess what direction they're headed in. Despite my initial misgivings, I have come to LOVE this CD. There's some nice poppy numbers (one of them sounds like a Mates of State song) but there are also some great songs to add to my "Cry, Little Bitch" playlist.

Reiteration: I have a huge, huge crush on the Avett Brothers. They sing about being the kind of men I've learned to avoid, but they do it so honestly... And they are hot.

My week: 2 papers, 2 problem sets. Weekend: sister and brother-in-law in town! Next week: 2 midterms. It's gonna be fine, but I also am going to try NOT waiting until the 11th hour to get everything done and I'm going to remind myself how much money I'm paying to learn the shit out of this shit.

I think it would be wise not to return my netflix discs because if I get 8 more episodes of Entourage this week I will probably fail my Law class.

From those adorable, wise Avett's:
Temporary is my time, ain't nothing on this world that's mine
Except the will I found to carry on
Free is not your right to chose
It's answering what's asked of you
To give the love you find until it's gone

Hedonism Realized

Oof. Too much coffee, not enough healthy food. For the last week I've been studiously avoiding writing a memo for my politics class. Now the shit is approaching the fan so I'm here at home writing in my underwear. Of course I skipped both my classes today in order to do this. I have already recovered from the shame and guilt.

It's amazing how quickly the student lifestyle creeps back in. Skipping class, subsisting on coffee and sugar (gross), never getting dressed in real clothes... I'm wearing the same gym shorts I wrote my undergraduate thesis in right now.

I'm trying to account for my time over the last week and I think I'm still on vacation mentally because I've been doing stuff like watching Hulu, reading the New Yorker, drinking beers, going shopping, and occasionally learning. I am getting a lot out of school but when people keep asking me if it's hard, I'm not sure what the answer is. Like life, it's about as hard as you want to make it. I sense that I could be investing quite a bit more, but I'm ok with what I'm sowing and reaping right now. I also feel like this semester is about laying a foundation of understanding, creating context, building a structure for later problem solving and evaluation... It's all sifting together in my brain in a very satisfying and comprehensible way, so I'm gonna go with it.

Ok, ok, ok... red wine

So here's the deal with last night/this morning's emo ass post.

Yesterday was great! It was Friday! I went skipped my morning classes and made delicious vegan, tofu hash and drank coffee! I went to my politics session and learned an important lesson about screwing my friends in a negotiation! Then I bought a ticket to Seattle for Nov treatment! Then I did more fictional negotiating over beer with a classmate! Then more beer drinking! Friday was fun! Then I did more wine drinking with more nice people! Whoot!

So then the spiral.

Apparently my friend Nathan is in Seattle right now and last night he started tweeting about being at the BEACON PUB. WITH MY FRIENDS. AND IT'S FRIDAY. KARAOKE NIGHT. And I just lost it. I was all red wine-y and I just burst into more pitiful, self-indulgent tears. I miss Seattle. I miss my friends. I miss the goddamn Beacon Pub.

I woke up this morning feelin fine. I am going to San Francisco today! I will see Lizzy (now a published author!) I am going shopping! Fuck money! I am going to yoga! I am going to Nordstrom! I am going to eat Mexican food. All of these make my top 25 favorite things to do on a Saturday.

Seattle, I love you so much and I want you to know that I miss you. I think we should consider an open relationship with Berkeley. I'm just saying. This time I can handle it.

p.s. yes, I am on 100 mg of Pred/ day right now. Holler!

dear klonopin

can you anesthetize this?