Saturday, January 03, 2009

Ground Control

Every four weeks I take this drug called Vincristine. I get it through an IV. In November, getting my IV started took 5 attempts and on number 6, we went for the big vein in my elbow pit—and you’re not supposed to take chemo in your joints just in case there’s a leak. Even the guy who used to work with drug addicts couldn’t find a line in. This month, the amazing Nurse Lo got it on try NUMBER ONE. She is the first person to hit on a line on the first try since I started chemo in February. She rocks. It was an awesome way to start chemo in 2009.

Vincristine’s listed side effects are: neuropathy, hypoatraemia, hair loss, and constipation. However, other than the neuropathy, the two side effects that I notice are a runny nose and sensitive skin. My nose has been dripping for the last 11 months. And if I don’t take my allergy meds every other day or so I am plagued by extreme itchiness. Cold, numb toes, itchy skin, and a runny nose are totally tolerable, but they are also REALLY annoying. Having experienced a lot of constipation and hair loss, already… well, it’s not that bad I guess.

I spent my ENTIRE day in bed. Really. I lay in bed and watched instant netflixed Heroes episodes. At 5:30 I decided that I needed to eat something, take a shower and walk around. This is me bonking out on life after an 8 day trip to Oregon. Living is exhausting.

When I was home over the break people kept asking how I was (duh) and I kept trying to explain it… I’m fine. I can do everything. And I am living my life. But I’m also living right here on the edge. It doesn’t take much to push me over the side. A bad night’s sleep, a work fuck up, a nasty fight, a 9 hour drive… I’m a wreck. I will cry if you look at me funny. I hate this. I’ve always been a very emotional person—I feel things in a big way. But I’ve spent most of my life trying to control those feelings so I didn’t like an emotional wreck. I am now an emotional wreck at least 10% of the time. I do not like it one bit.

I wish I could show you how damn cute my hair looks. Obviously, the Photobooth shots offer some idea, but it’s adorable. It has a little curl to it… and these cowlicks. It’s finally long enough to part! And I just look like a normal girl. It’s not even an ambiguous cancer look. While I have a feeling more awkward grow-out moments are coming, I will take DPEH’s comment that I look “totally, Seattle, urban, intellectual lesbian” as the compliment that he meant it.