Today they let me out for 8 hours. They let me out because I'm healthy... and bored. However, my blood count (henceforth to be referred to as CBC) is starting to show that I'm sick. My white cells are half of what they were yesterday... but, it's still high enough to be functional. Blah, blah, blah.
I am angry that they are keeping me here at this stupid hospital during what are likely to be my last few healthy days in the coming 7 months. REALLY? You let me out all day (because I am ok) only to force me to sleep at the hospital so people can wake me up every few hours to take vital signs? REALLY? I am fucking homesick! Let me go home!
Ah, but what did I do today with my 8 hours off? Good question, that puts me in better spirits. My mom and I walked around Seward Park and the weather was AMAZING. Then I got depressed about how this weekend last year was amazing also and I spent it with my amazing students planting shrubs at Lake People Park... Oh depressing digression!
Anyway, after walking we went to the store and bought germ-a-phobe supplies. I'm sure this will come up as we wind our way along chemotherapy, but I'm definitely of the mindset of that germs are GOOD. I don't always wash my hands! I think bleach wipes will be the downfall of human society! I hate PURELL!!!! But. I am about to have no immune system and so I'm trying to learn new habits... like using paper towels, and constantly washing/sanitizing my hands... BLAH!
This is a great post, huh? Back the happier part of today. J and R made me dinner... at 4:30 in the afternoon so I could enjoy a Roommate meal at home. It was fucking phenomenal. Jenny made Portobello Wellington and mashed potatoes. I haven't wanted to eat since Wednesday. I mean, once I got over the "barfies" food just seems so... enh. I'll think about eating, but it's not worth the effort and nothing sounds good. Strange. Anyway, when Jenny sent me a text today with various dinner options I saw Mashed Potatoes and something inside me decided to live! I ate more this afternoon than I have in a week!
But here I am at the hospital. I'm sorry I haven't been very good at returning phone calls and emails. All of this is starting to hit me and I feel kind of on the verge of losing it a lot. I'm not really ready to lose it. Instead, I keep drifting off to my comfortable place which is objective philosophizing. Ah, Cancer: the evolution of human cells, the inevitable end to poisoning our environment, the Coming of Age Struggle for Jessie... Fuck.
I'm trying to go drug-free tonight and get all these pollutants out of my body.
3 years ago