Still here

Briefly:

#1) Tyra Banks on Gossip Girl. Glorious. Over acting, wigs, wig changes. Hilary Duff. Who knew. Lizzie McGuire infinitely more suited for Dan than Harriet the Spy.

#2) American Splendor. I realize the movie came out in 2003 but it was fabulous. Am now interested in reading Our Cancer Year by Harvey and Joyce...

This post is kind of epitomizing my life now. I could choose to blog about the things I'm learning which are really interesting and at times controversial (just like I could choose to be doing my homework instead of watching internet TV in my underwear and drinking coffee at 2pm). I could fill this blog with well crafted thoughts on healthcare, social services etc... But for some reason I'm not.

Anyway, I still get like 14 hits a day because people everywhere (all over the world!) are googling "sexy topics" and clicking on Inertia. My cancer has been mostly quiet lately. The weather is changing and my neuropathy is getting worse. I am ready to be done with treatment and resentful and bitchy about the fact that it isn't over. I miss Dr K, Swedish, my nurses, Chris and Michael, Billy and Yusef, and the guys in the parking garage who would propose to me. Friday is treatment #6 in the countdown.

My insurance company continues to pay, I continue to suppress my immune system, my hair is growing back, and it feels like all around me folks are getting bad news about Cancer. It's a weird place to be.

This last month I was at a yoga class where the theme was the harvest. This is fall. We are harvesting what we have reaped over the last year. A couple weeks ago was Yom Kippur and Rosh Ha Shannah--the turnover of the Jewish year. All of this stuff asks us to consider the year behind us and the year I'm reviewing was excellent--for me. It was full of positive momentum: feeling better almost every day, getting into Berkeley, having a wild 6 months of partying in Seattle, saying goodbye to my job and Community, and moving on to another situation full of Promise... It's like the happy montage at the end of the movie.

I'm trying to celebrate and acknowledge how wonderful this is and balance it with the tragedy that defines the year of other people. It's not just cancer, but unemployment, the failure of our legislature to actually look out for constituents, the hurtling of our culture into End Times... Anyway. I find myself using the same coping mechanism I discovered with in treatment: realizing that life is transitory, mysterious, ever changing, and still wonderful. Believing in transformation, challenging myself to be open to what can be good...

Once, in a yin yoga class, my teacher Janell gave me this meditation to help me focus on holding a pose for a long time while remaining present:
In Breath: This is the perfect moment
Out Breath: This is the only moment

Life so far

I have now been in Berkeley for almost an entire continuous week. It feels like 10 weeks.

Classes: are good! I don't have any previous experience in any of the areas we're studying (politics, econ, stats, law) but I feel (perhaps prematurely) that I can totally do this. So far it's even been enjoyable learning. And not working? Well that's just icing on the cake.

Home: is coming together. Here is my new room!

After 3 trips to IKEA, I finally have enough receptacle space for all my shit. Friday night I went into the Depths of Hell for hopefully the last time. I bought a desk, came home, assembled said desk, and then hung up all my paintings. Next I'm going to get to work on our common space. We need art on the walls, a toaster, a table, and... some character. Also if I get a particular cord we can hook up the TV to the DVD player and actually watch movies.

Social life: I'm so freakin tired. On Saturday night I braved a party with my classmates and was very happy that I did. Making conversation between classes has been difficult for me, but put in me in a situation when I have a beer in my hand and can swear a lot? Perfect. Much like classes, I'm getting the feeling that I can do this. I can make new friends. I can build another community. Other than that, I'm just trying to keep yoga-ing (I keep having dreams where I can finally get my foot behind my head... so close!), do all of my homework, and of course spend inordinate amounts of time on Facebook. Breaking out beyond these activities requires my super powers, but hopefully as things settle down I will be able to return phone calls. But yeah, I miss all of you.

Cancer: things are ok. I have a new oncologist down here and my first appointment was fairly disappointing. I think it was a combination of 3 things:
1) No one will ever be Dr. K and the Swedish staff. They were totally amazing, we went through a lot together and they saw me all the way through--no new doctor coming in at the 11th hour is going to be able to beat that.
2) He really isn't as cool or lovable as Dr. K. Even objectively. And he didn't seem to give a shit. I'm a maintenance patient. I have no problems. It's not thrilling to see me looking healthier and healthier every week because he wasn't there when I was really sick. And also, I think he might kind of an ass hole.
3) Whenever I see a new specialist, I have to re examine the ALL diagnosis, the treatment plan, and my own agency in it all. Dr K, for reasons I completely understand, left no gray area when it came to treatment or diagnosis. He was like "this is it, this is what we're doing" and it was kind of nice because as the patient you are actually the person saying, "yes, you may put this poison in my body and I authorize it" and technically you have the power to deny any part of your treatment. And so you have to trust that your doctor knows what's up because you have no idea. I hate it when other oncologists then look at my treatment and say "well I would have done this differently" because look, dude, I just spent a year in hell because I thought it was the only way through so please for the love of God do NOT undermine my shakey confidence in what I am doing. Anyway, my new onc was just like "oh I don't do it this way..."
However, one of the things he doesn't want to do is see me every week for a blood draw! So hopefully I can just move to going in every 4 weeks for my Vincristine.

So that's the short of it. It's going to be ok.

Be proud

I am still sick--beginning to think I have bronchitis. At 4am this morning I gave in and self prescribed 20 mg of prednisone to bring down the swelling in my throat and hopefully the irritation in my bronchial tubes. At night I cough so much that I can’t sleep. It is a serious, serious drag. Robatussin is bullshit. I know I’m not a doctor, but I certainly spend a lot of time googling things and I am a WFR…

My oncologist saw me last Friday when I was at my sickest and pronounced me, “fabulous! Go upstairs and take your chemo!”

This is the problem with an oncologist being your primary care physician. When you ask about birth control he assures you that probably can’t get pregnant and even if you did, your current chemo regimen would kill any fetus. Then he gets confused, “wait, I have hundreds of patients, are you one that wants to have babies?” When you have a horrible cold and everyone in the civilian world looks at you like you have the plague, the cancer center folks tell you look beautiful and healthy. If only I could live my entire life just being compared to aged cancer patients…

It’s Gay Pride this weekend! Yeah! We’re here! We’re queer! Get used to it! I think of myself as a pretty queer straight person and even if you get offended by that and insist that I use the label “Ally” that’s fine. There are a still a freaking ton of parties and cool things to do! Christina and I went to Equalityoga practice this morning and did sun salutations with a few hundred folks. I focused my practice on what I’ve been focusing on for the last few months: radical self acceptance. I think this fit in neatly with theme of trying to get equal rights for everyone because if we all focus on accepting ourselves just the way we are, we would probably start to accept other people the way they are too. Christina meditated on love.

Then I began the long and what I am sure will be tedious search for a maid of honor dress for Sarah’s wedding. I only found one acceptable item on my search this afternoon. Sadly I found it in the Designer section. That Tory Burch—she makes a gorgeous sun dress, but $395 is just too much for me to spend right now… on a dress.

The last month has been unbelievably stressful and intense. I am not sorry to say goodbye June 2009. And now it is practically over. I’m trying to stay focused on what I have and what is good in my life and trying not to dwell on the things that are not just the way I want them. I am mostly successful at this.

Sexy sex

My tracking software has recently informed me that when you do a google search of "sexy topics" my blog comes up second. Hot. Hot. Hot.

And of course I still win when you google "the world will end tonight."

I am pretty fucking proud of that.

My post "On the sexy topics of sex and dating" may actually be my most popular hit. And self aggrandizement aside, maybe kind of relevant if you're a hot cancer chick who feels like her mojo is a little low due to some crazy hormone whacking chemo, the loss of hair, the placement of a port, the constant constipation/diarrea... you know, the sexy parts of cancer. Maybe.

Well, low mojo chemo bro, there is a light at the end of tunnel. And least, I'm seeing it.

Here are things that make me sexier because of cancer
-I love my body and appreciate it like never before
-the cancer experience gave me lots practice in voicing my needs (meaningful look)
-I still have a great rack
-I have adorable short hair
-yoga, my chemo rehab, has made me really flexible and increased my endurance

Lately the world has felt like my oyester. I think my boyfriend, Seattle, is making one last attempt to woo me even though he knows it's too late. But that doesn't stop him from pulling out all the stops: non-metaphorical boys to date, fantastically good times with old friends, connection to community, better weather... Nice try Seattle, I know it's time for a change.

Berkeley sent me an email yesterday with info about... you know, starting school. Lately I've been so overwhelmed by work that I can't possibily imagine anything past June 29. On June 29 I'll launch 3 of my summer programs. By that day I'll have compliance paperwork for over 125 members completed as well as a fully trained staff of 15 ready to do my bidding. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I mean, it HAS to happen, but how? So I can't possibly be thinking about things like finding an apartment, re-learning high school math (calculus? really?), and registering my car in the state of CA. Bleh.

Another interesting fact about my "class": no other Washingtonians! Only 4 PNW-ers! 2 Portland, a Boise, and me. In a class of 84 people! What the heck! Everyone is from California, DC, or New York. Bleh! Will people judge me for wearing chocos to formal events?

Bah, I'm going to yoga because I can only get sexier. Am I right?

Marry me, Ryan Adams

I have a dad who can give me non-condescending advice about car maintenance. It’s pretty great.

Last night I watched Singles. I cannot believe I had never seen this movie. It’s set in Seattle in the early 90s and it’s Cameron Crow and it’s mid-20s angst and Matt Dillion with long hair and people (both women and men) wear tights/leggings with shorts in almost every scene. What a great fucking movie! There is absolutely nothing deep about it and there are no great lines in it like, “I just really thought I’d be something by the age of 23…” But did I mention that Matt Dillion has long hair and wears shorts and leggings? Because that is worth netflixing, friends.

How am I? Oh, the neuropathy is getting worse again, but I hadn’t been taking my Glutamine so hopefully that will improve. And I’m tired. Really freaking tired. I way overbooked November. If I can just get through the next 4 weeks and stop trying to do 100 million things I should be fine.

My body is changing again. Whenever I say I’m gaining weight people tend to be like, “good!” even though I was slightly overweight before chemo. Chemo brought me back to what had been a healthy weight at previous times in my life. However, it destroyed a lot of my muscle tone in the process. With yoga I was able to get some amount of control over my limbs back, but I couldn’t really gain strength like I used to. It was weird.

Suddenly, I find myself gaining weight rapidly despite exercise and calorie counting. I don’t know if I’m digesting better or if my body just misses being bigger, but my legs are bulking up again. Mostly this IS good. I think the majority of it is muscle. It’s just hard because I don’t feel like I have a lot of control over my body. Throughout all of this I’ve been eating as healthfully as possible and exercising as much as I could, but the results are so different…

Well, I’m off to my next brilliant netflix find: Tales of the City PBS miniseries.

Oh Holler!

I saw Dr. K today. WBC 6.6, Crit 29, Platelets 167!!!

Even more exciting: Hickman Extraction will take place on Monday (10/6) at 1pm. HOLY SHIT.

Less exciting: x-rays of my hips on Friday because they have felt a little funny since the 4 miles of fun running I did a month ago. Damn you, Prednisone!

I can't freakin believe it. I mean, the Hick is REALLY coming out. Soon. Dr. K gave me a hug, told me he was proud of me, and it's like, yeah, this hurdle is CLEARED. I start maintenance chemo next week: methotrexate, vincristine, pred...

More GOOD news. Dr. K said the amount and frequency of my Vincristine infusions will NOT cause hair loss. Grow little baby hairs! You have nothing to fear!

Other things to celebrate:
-Gorgeous weekend at Mt Rainier with 20 high school students. I love the youth I work with. They are amazing, loving, funny, intelligent, growing, and maturing... Sometimes a pain in the ass, but I feel like I have the best job in the world about 65% of the time. The weather was amazing--Paradise (5000 ft.) was 70 degrees and sunny! So beautiful...
-Package from the lovely, amazing, inspiring, and brutally powerful Bekah F. Thank you B, how did you find something so perfect? I will post pictures of my new present when I get batteries for my camera.
-Two yoga classes with Eiric this week. The man makes me SWEAT. Friday night will be my first Kirtan--singing and chanting with my teachers and yoga-friends. I plan on dedicating most of this week to yoga, to strength, and to power.

Because I obviously have to post

I have several potential blogging topics:
-How much I don't want to take Cyclophosphomide on Thursday and and my reservations about my treatment protocol/discussion of whether or not I even have ALL, etc.
-My growing connection to the NoBea neighborhood via my yoga studio. My growing connection to Seattle and community here
-The merits of John McCain's choice of Sarah Palin as running mate and how the Republican strategists seem a lot more together then the Dems
-Review of Murderball which I finally saw last night and loved. Segue into how much I miss playing rugby and my teammates

But I'm not feeling very bloggy. I'm feeling kind of tired. The blood transfusion rocked my world (energy! yes!) and I kicked ass in both my yoga classes so far this weekend. But now all I really want to do is watch the US Open, read, and eat. We're having a dinner party right tonight (cooked almost exclusively by Rachel--I contributed my 3-day old tabouli which is still pretty tasty) and I'm hiding in my room drinking diet coke. Last night Julian had a party and I came downstairs and stayed long enough to gorge myself on guacamole and say hi to his friend Sarah who I really like and then I retired for the evening--Murderball in bed. Perfection.

The last day of steroids, cont

I felt like the most bad ass cancer patient in the world this morning. After going back to sleep post-post 1, I woke up and packed my Ortlieb bag with everything I would need for yoga, work, and chemo. This required a high degree of organization. Then I BIKED to yoga (ok it was a flat mile) but it felt so amazing. I haven't been outside on my bike in almost 10 months and I LOVE riding my bike. I mean, I really love riding my bike and for some reason I just got kind of scared off after the cancer and my legs started failing me. But this morning I did it!

Class was great. I felt good energy to just push hard and got a great sweat in. Afterwards I talked to my really rad teacher a lot about cancer and she told me that I was inspiring. Compliments, compliments, compliments. Then I rode my bike to work and worked, worked, worked. Then I kind of crashed. I stopped feeling like Lance Armstrong/Wolverine and started feeling like the world was crashing down around my shoulders. Shit. You know what Lance Armstrong and Wolverine will never have to deal with? Getting their period. Yes, it's here again. Hallelujah, but steroids and hormones together? Jesus, if it weren't for all my freakin meditating I probably would have had a complete melt down already. As it were, I'm just giving myself a break here, drinking some coffee and I called my mom and she's going to drive me to chemo as opposed to my original plan which involved biking to chemo... Some day!

Some days I just feel so good. I talk about this with my therapist and we talk about it a lot in yoga--not expecting things to be the same every day. Not letting yourself think something is going to be hard or bad just because it once was. I talk a lot about being ready for anything to happen, but when I say that I mean I wake a lot of mornings expecting to feel wonderful despite all the shitty things going on inside my body. So while my uterus does jumping jacks and my colon takes its sweet, sweet time moving anything out of my body, today is my last day of Decadron and JENNY AND RICHARD ARE COMING TO VISIT. Maybe I'll put off my weekend of despair for a bit to eat lots of unhealthy veggie food with them.

Tonight I get pho!

The Post that was meant for 8/14

**Oh, happy Belated B day Annie P!**

So apparently my mom (despite continued check ins this week) put out the call that I wasn't feel so well when she posted her Jessie-update. I still haven't addressed this with her or her mass emails, but it seems we now need finally have the boundaries talk. What is, and is not stuff I want her to share with her email list. Here is the email that I sent out yesterday that reflects how I actually feel:

Warning: long, rambling email about cancer, general state of mental health, lots waxing philosophical, unforgivable bastardazations of Eastern Meditation practices, some irony, and wholy OK to skip through. But a progress update seemed necessary for many in my fan club. I won't be bashful, I have a fan club.

So here we are: the final 10ish weeks of intense chemo. It's kind of scary if I think about it too hard. Every morning I wake up wondering what my blood counts look like. Do I have an immune system today? Those blueberries I just ate—I forgot to wash them! I hope they don't have killer fungus! Etc, etc. But I've also gotten used to this cancer-life and really, I don't think it's that different than life in general. We never know what our day will bring—I'm just more… ready for the infinite possibilities?

Status: doing good! My GI track is losing cells which means I have to remember my antacids and not do things like eat spicy food and drink 10 cups of coffee a day if I want to be happy. I'm ok with that. Last night I made egg drop soup for the first time. Mmmm.

Despite an emotionally rocky July (this cancer business is taking WAY too long and I was getting a little burned out), lately I've been feeling extremely peaceful again. I feel lucky for so many things everyday: my job, my health insurance, my body's enthusiastic response to killing cancer cells, the practice of yoga and meditation, but mostly my wonderful, supportive, family, friends and community. I have heard so many people iterate that cancer cost them friends—that they learned who was really there for them. What I've learned is that EVERY one is still here from me: that my community and the love people have for me is stronger than I ever knew. And in this process I've also made friends: both cancer-related and non. I actually have MORE friends now I think… Weird. So thank you so much to all of you for your loving thoughts and words. Again, it's woo-ey shit, but I feel all the vibes you send me.

Right now my life is taking every day as it comes. It's mellow. I go to yoga, I go to work, I clean my house (massive doses of steroids again), I cook with my friends, I walk around Seward Park, and I hang out with high school students who make me laugh really hard and like to touch my Hickman line and hear about all the crazy, legal drugs I get to take. Fall should be exciting for me professionally—more turn over and rearranging has left me in a great position at work—autonomous, respected, in control of my own programming but great opportunities to collaborate! Yes!

I think of myself as building a bridge right now--a bridge back to normal life (having cancer, my use of cheesy metaphors is immediately taken without irony-relief!). Physically, my body has changed, and I'm learning where she's become so strong and the other places I've lost her. Mentally and emotionally, I'm still grasping all the issues I put on hold last January--namely: who am in the face my own life? With disposable income, a wide career track, burgeoning communities in several locales, food and clothing affectionada: how do resolve and distill what I really love above teh general hum? How do I make my life meaningful and in service of others? This was a journey I started in earnest about a year and, just above this last set of chemo-stream crossings, I see the path is back and it inevitability will look very different. Deep, huh?

I want you to know, that I have really come to accept the reality of cancer in my life: the drugs, the possible long-term effects, the sitting and waiting, the patience, the vulnerability, and at time deep exhaustion. And while I do try to save some of my emotions for healthy things like anger and sadness, I've mostly found that acceptance makes daily life do-able AND pleasurable. I'm still breathing and functioning every day and even though my emotions are often close to the surface, I kind of like the rawness and with which I get to experience things. But the over arching thought I really feel is peace. It's easy for me. No one thinks this is terminal and we (my onc team) feel like we're going to the end of something entirely curable. This process will leave scars, but maybe not the kind people associate with a cancer battle. And that's where I am.

My hair is also growing back (even though it will probably fall out again next week) and I'm including a picture of my re-grown eye brows. Following this period of intense chemo, I'll be on a maintenance protocol until 2010. I may or may not be able to grow my hair back, so I relish these last few weeks with my eye lashes. However, who knew I looked so good without hair? Other things that pertain to the future are that I will be in Corvallis in late-September for my friends' Clint and Ashleigh's wedding. I am so excited by the possibility of seeing so many of you! I promise not to drink too much at the wedding on Saturday night so I can go to church on Sunday morning, the 21^st! Also, watch out for a big bash in late October when they pull my Hickman line. I haven't gotten very far, but there's going to be party and nothing about this party will involve Denial. The party will be about moving forward, purging the house of chemo deamons, and hopefully me figuring out a way to honor all the wonderful people who have supported me ceaselessly in this process. Oooh, I get excited just thinking about!

Here is something my yoga teacher shared with me the other day that I find particularly inspiring: Every day we're all looking for truth, beauty, and immortality, and really, it's everywhere…

Lots and love,

Jessie

Truth, beauty, immortality

So far, so good. I woke this morning with a peaceful belly and went to yoga. What it comes down to (I’ve decided) is that if I wake up and I feel good, I should go to yoga because I don’t know if I’m going to feel good again at 6pm when the next feasible class is. My therapist and I talked about this and apparently, that’s very healthy behavior (for someone who has such a flexible job).

Last night I had some prednisone mania—I cleaned out the refrigerator, went grocery shopping, and did a bunch of dishes. It’s such a weird feeling to hear your body scream at you, “Jessie! Slow down! I’m tired! Let’s watch TV” and my brain is like, “Um, we still have organize the Tupperware, and do you think the couch would look better against that wall? and I wonder what the weather will be like in Cabo in January? should I go to that yoga retreat in Mexico? I better make a detailed budget of my expenses for the next 6 months…” So then I took some Xanex (I’m going to embrace meds this time around) and was able to chill out enough to watch Broken Flowers with Julian. Jim Jaramush on Xanex is kind of hard. Boring is a good word.

Class was good. We talked about not letting the past and memories become a reality or something so fixed in our minds. Every thing is transitory and has the possibility for newness every second. When you’re trying to be optimistic about your last 10 weeks of hard chemo, this resonates well. It’s sort of what I’ve been hashing over with my therapist the last few weeks anyway because I have a lot of anxiety surrounding falling blood counts, hair loss, the unknown, etc.

The other thing my teacher said was that we’re all looking for truth, beauty, and immortality and that these things are boundless! For some reason, that just really made sense today.

Thanks, body

Yesterday was not my greatest day. My stomach was quite unhappy actually. Instead of going out with my roommates giving Jake a proper send off, I lay in bed half listening to This American Life Episodes that a friend sent me last time I was in the hospital. Periodically I would wake up, resume the fetal position, hear Ira Glass’ soothing voice and then pass out again. At some point in the middle of the night I managed to finally void my body of every thing offensive and when I woke up this morning I felt so great!

There's nothing like feeling terrible to make you appreciate feeling great! It’s like when you have a horrible hang over and you finally manage to sleep it off. When you wake up you walk around all afternoon marveling at how amazing it feels not to want to die! That’s sort of how I felt when I woke up. Like, yes! To celebrate I went to a yoga class and sweated out lots of toxins and got myself good and tired. Awesome. So far, my lunch is sitting gently in my stomach. When I was meditating in yoga this morning I just focused my practice on gratitude towards my body for being well today.

I love yoga. I am going to try not to get too woo-ey about it on here, but it’s been everything I’ve needed. I feel like it’s helping me heal my body and my soul. I feel like I’m rebuilding myself from the inside out. I am so grateful for my teachers at Yoga on Beacon and that I can go so often. I am in a unique position at the moment—there’s not a lot going on in my life beyond treatment and I can’t really plan much for the next few months as I go with the flow, but there are 4 yoga classes a day all week and so it’s something I can always fit in or use to kill time constructively. And that’s all I’ll say for now.

Oooh, I love you!

Let's get Physical!

There’s so much to tell you, dear internet! First of all, I love you. I love you in the complicated way that grown-ups love things.

What have I been up to? Well let’s see. Putting out little fires at work. We’re firemen, Kerry, that’s what we are. I know I should say “fire people” but Fireman is just kind of a sexy word. Speaking of sexy firemen that are women, yesterday was the Seattle Gay Pride Parade and you bet the female firemen marching in the parade were about the sexiest lesbians I’ve seen in a while. I mean, besides all the sexy lesbians that I actually know. Which is a lot of sexy lesbians. What do you want to bet happens when people google “sexy lesbian?” They’ll end up right here! This is not what I thought my post was going to be about…

Um. Moving on. Getting physical. Last weekend I went to a yoga class, but I promised Nathan I wouldn’t be one of those people who talked about yoga a lot. I’m going again tomorrow. I think it’s a better way to spend money than the co-pays at the physical therapist who just had me walk on a treadmill for 20 minutes.

On Saturday I went hiking up in Skykomish with Julian and Beth who are training to climb mountains. I was hesitant to bring my out of shape bones with them, but they found a trail that had a nice lake-y, stopping point mid-way so I didn't have to go as far as them. I brought nectarines and the Amber Spyglass to occupy me and spent a nice 3 hours sitting on the shore of a beautiful alpine lake, enjoying the quiet and the nature. It's my job (sort of) to have high standards when it comes to trail maintenance, but still, trail was a total disaster (spring storms) and we had to bushwhack and clamber in the first mile which was pretty exhausting. I only made it to the 2 mile mark which was the lovely Trout Lake when I decided it was Golden Compass time. I won’t pretend like the hike was burlier than it really was because Julian sometimes reads this and I don’t want him to think I’m a liar or an exaggerator (even though I’m guilty of the latter often enough,) but I was pretty tired after 2 miles. Mostly I felt extremely nauseated. The methotrexate gives me this very subtle baseline nausea that’s not so bad, but combined with “strenuous” hiking, it was kind of pushing it harder than I wanted to push. Bah! Damn you, cancer! I am impatient to be through with you and get my body back!

Yesterday I went to Pride with my friends. It was really fun. I will post pictures because I remembered my camera. And then I remembered to take pictures. Glory be.

What else can I tell you about my week, internet? It was all about work! That’s why I can’t say much… When I was in PGH the other week, I noticed my colleagues running around all crazy-like and I remembered how I had been like them last year. And I thought somewhat condescendingly that they really needed to chill out and have some cancer-perspective (cancerective?) about life… Anyway, it was just that I was in denial of how much work there is and I ran around all week like a crazy person and dreamt about work every night that I didn’t take a Xanex and Ambien combo. Today, I feel like I have time to breath for… the next 20 minutes. Then I’m going to see Dr. K. He was gone last week and I kind of missed him. I never go two weeks without seeing my Oncologist-boo, so it will be good to see him. I’m going to ask him about BRAC-1/2 gene today.

Oh and last Monday I got my period again. That’s 3 in a row, every 28 days. This means that I’ve only missed one since starting chemo which I think means my reproductive system is obviously all systems go. Luckily I got tons of condoms at Pride yesterday, so just in case I ever have sex again I will be prepared. Like that will happen!