Happy

On June 30th Bobby and I left work early and went to City Hall in San Francisco... where we got married. We are still planning a wedding, but there are some things that need to happen first... like me getting a permanent job and us buying a house. Obviously, lots of transition right now.

Mostly I feel lucky lucky lucky every day. I have my health, I have my family, I have my friends, and I have a wonderful, wonderful husband. I also have a master's degree which is cool even if it doesn't make into the top 4...

I've decided it doesn't really make sense to keep up with this blog. In the next few weeks I might scale things back and just keep my cancer treatment entries up so that other survivors and their family/friends can still access my experiences with this particular disease and treatment regimen.

In this next stage of life when I'm applying to jobs and people can easily Google me, I'll probably want to blog hilarious, irreverent social commentary anonymously. Hope to see you around the blogosphere!

Update, Schmupdate

Are y'all still out there? I know it seems like I have given up the blog in light of the chemo thing being over, but it's more like I am just trying to keep my head above water here at school.

Things are... GOOD.

So here is a fun post-chemo update. Yes! There are changes! My weird symptoms that I had gotten so used to are slowly fading away.
-Roaming, EXTREME itches that made me want to claw off sections of skin? GONE
-Constant runny nose? BETTER
-Intense and frequent leg cramps despite my daily banana? LESS FREQUENT
-Inability to balance on one foot due to lack of feeling in my feet?--IMPROVING
-Energy level? BOOSTED. My cardiovascular system has responded well to having more red blood cells and things like riding my bike up a hill or stairmaster are easier in the sense that my pulse doesn't beat as fast to supply oxygen to my cells. Or so I believe.

My stomach and skin are both a little unsure of how to handle my boosted immune system. The initial reaction was FREAK OUT, but I think they're getting used to the extra cells. In particular I think my skin had a hard time with the adjustment and for most of February I felt like I was 17 again. Now I'm just battling dryness.

So yes, it gets better. On Monday I'm going to see a normal doctor and hear their perspective. From an oncologist point of view (which is a little warped) I'm like super healthy, but I'd like to see someone who sees relatively healthy people.

School is crazy busy and I'm trying to be focused, but with perspective. Like, I'm here to learn and not to be the best at anything (FAIL on that count) so as long as I'm learning and I'm trying I should just be happy with that. Personally I'm working on keeping my ego in check whether I'm on the yoga mat or working on an econometrics problem set. It's important to remember that I do these things because they cause JOY and satisfaction and not because I think I am going to be the "best."

Speaking of JOY I saw the Alvin Ailey dance company last night and it was fantastic. Talk about joy. The human body is constantly amazing and beautiful and it was great to watch strong, gorgeous, graceful humans DANCE to music that makes your heart feel good.

I'll be back!

Two Years

A bunch of you probably got this in email form so feel free to skip. For all my loving lurkers and other internetz budz, you are part of my gratitude:

Friends and Family:

I’ve been struggling to compose this email, but today is the 2 year anniversary of my Leukemia diagnosis and it’s unreal to think that I’m sitting in my house in Berkeley, a graduate student, exhausted from 90 minutes of power yoga and worried only about balancing school work and beer drinking. Not only has this experience opened new doors (Berkeley! Yoga!) but there were so many times when I just couldn’t imagine getting to this place. I’m happy. I’m healthy. I’m very… content.

As of Wednesday, January 13th, I am completely done with two years of chemotherapy! With clear scans and bone marrow that is “clean as a whistle” I am officially in remission. What a joy.

I just want to say again how grateful for all of you, my supportive community. Thank you so much for all the love and kindness you have sent out to me, my parents, and my sister. It is overwhelming. I hope that in the next few months I have a chance to thank those of you who made a particular impact. Of everyone though, I’d like to thank my mom who has been a source absolute and ceaseless support. When I was angry or despondent or completely manic on Prednisone, she would take my phone calls and just listen. I’d also like to thank my Seattle roommates (dinner club and Mansioneers) who provided the kind of day-to-day logistical and emotional support that made it possible for me to be a Strong Woman and look like I was handling things with grace and independence.

Finding closure for this part of my life is still a bit elusive. It has not been an unqualified bad experience: I have met so many amazing people and learned appreciation for the many, many blessings in my life. Saying goodbye to my care team at Swedish Cancer Center seems next to impossible—these are some of the most important people to have touched my life. Additionally, I dare say I am a much happier and relaxed person than I was before diagnosis.

Luck is a two-way street. While I celebrate my own health and remission it feels terrifyingly random and at times cruel that I have been given so many gifts while many suffer with disease that cannot be cured, truly difficult decisions, reduced access to care, and health insurance woes. Or for goodness sake, I could be living in Haiti so there is a certain amount of discomfort I’m experiencing with much of the rhetoric around Survivorship.

While I parse that out, just know that I’m Living Strong, and wishing you all the best.

Happy 2010,

Jessie

T-giving, philosophized

Kairol and the Thankgiving holiday have inspired me to try and put words to some thoughts that have been bouncing around and changing for the last two years: am I thankful for cancer?

For the longest time I was adamant that cancer was a bad thing, that I would never choose to re-live all of this if given the chance... But now that things are mostly over and done with, I've been re-considering. When you get a certain distance out from most big Life Happenings, so much has gone down and shifted around that it becomes impossible to extricate Life Now from the Life Happening. And depending on how you feel about Life Now or Reality, as I like to call it, it's all dependent LH.

Right before I left Seattle Dinner Club did a Whidbey Island retreat. On a lovely hike along the bluff, we were discussing the happening of our 3 years together and CL said to me, "I don't want you to take this wrong, but you are so much happier than you were [before cancer]" and I realized she was right--really right.

It's hard to say whether it was cancer or just getting older. But I have come out the other end of all of this with more... confidence? It seems like the wrong word because I've always linked the idea of confidence to appearance or aptitude... but really, I feel better at life. I got pitched a doozey and I fucking nailed that sucker. And yes, luck was on my side, but it made me feel more confident about inner-Jessie and her ability to respond to trauma, to find joy and humor in adversity and to keep going.

It's kind of pointless to speculate too hard on what would have happened if I hadn't gotten sick, but I will anyway. I think most glaringly, I would have entered the 2010 class at the UW Evans School instead of waiting a year and going to Berkeley. Everything that happened that last year in Seattle: getting my first taste of being a Boss, calling an end to the Crappy relationship, being part of the Crazy relationship, making lots of new friends, being part of Jessie and Julian's Epic Spring Party Marathon, getting to mentor another fabulous year of AWESOME teenagers... all of which shaped who I am and where I am now.

But at the end of the day, I still decided to be perversely thankful for my cancer (but not anyone else's). And truly thankful for my friends and family, my health insurance, my generous employers, for all the new people it brought into my life, and mostly for the opportunity to be here and now...

And yeah, I have a paper due tomorrow which I am NOT writing because I am updating here. Sigh.

Swedish Cancer Institute: the best place in the WHOLE world

15 down, 2 to go!!!!

Yesterday I flew up to Seattle for the day. The whole day was absolutely wonderful. It started with Julian and I at Pho Hai Yen for some rockin Rainier Valley pho and a tour of NoBea. Julian is fabulous. While part of me would like him to realize that there is no life in NoBea without me (and that he should move to the East Bay) it gives me even MORE pleasure to see him so happy and thriving in an environment I know for sure to be a GREAT PLACE. I guess that's a good thing :)

Then I went to Swedish. I had been wondering if I was being a total prima donna about the whole switch back, but the MINUTE I walked into Swedish I knew I had made the right choice. The front desk ladies were so happy to see me! My phlebotomists gave me a hug! People couldn't stop telling me how happy they were to see me and how absolutely fantastic I was looking. Dr. K and I had a longer sit down than we have in months. He told me how proud he was of me and how fantastic I looked had me flex my rockin abs for him (very appreciative) and hugged a lot and talked about all the parts of this journey that had brought me to better places. Perhaps more importantly for my readers, we talked all about the FUTURE. The FUTURE post-treatment. What it means when I am no longer tethered to an IV pole and cell-killing poisons!

The plan:
December 16: second to last infusion at Swedish
January 13: LAST infusion
Sometime in January: full PET, bone marrow biopsy, brain MRI, full blood panel... intentionally missing in this series of tests is the SPINAL TAP which Dr. K waived as I had a clean one last spring during my migraine-month.
After everything comes back clear, I'm on to semi yearly check ups which I have a feeling will consist mostly of hugs.

After seeing Dr. K I went up to treatment. Jenny B, one of my fave nurses was assigned to me which was a good time. Anita, who is my magic IV starter was on lunch, but when Jenny told her I was outside, she left her lunch just to start my IV--on the first try! Later Jenny said that Anita does not usually do these things, but that she has a liking for me! Maura and Marilyn came by for hugs and to postulate when in fact, Marilyn's son and I can get married. Maybe in a few years.

All I can say is that these are my People. I love the staff at Swedish so much.

Then I was off to an early Dinner Club (sans CL) at the AC and RAchel's. Rachel made an incredible vegan feast that involved garbanzo beans and we just enjoyed a reunion of our community. Rachel drove me back to the airport after dinner and I was in Berkeley, in my bed, by 11pm.

Damn, Seattle. You've been working out. Yesterday you were 40 degrees, sunny, and beautiful. It worked. I'll declare on the internet that I'm still madly in love with you. Wait for me, baby. I'll be back in 18 months.

small milestones

You're darn right today is the one year anniversary of finishing up intensive treatment! That means that for the last year my body has mostly been allowed to heal! Let's celebrate!
9/14/08:
9/14/09:The hair is the most obvious difference, but I've also put on about 10-12 lbs of muscle since taking that first picture... and I don't have fatally low levels of platelets! So that's an improvement.

Today is good. Today I turned in my first grad school assignments, I lifted weights, I rode up the big hill by school twice, and now I'm at home and I'm going to read about French and German war strategy and start on my law paper. For fun I might read about sales tax in Oregon. I say NO to atrophed muscles, NO to baldness, NO to chemo brain, and NO to non clotting blood!

And the best, best, best thing about today? That's right: SEASON PREMIERE OF GOSSIP GIRL!!! Don't judge, just love.

Sexy sex

My tracking software has recently informed me that when you do a google search of "sexy topics" my blog comes up second. Hot. Hot. Hot.

And of course I still win when you google "the world will end tonight."

I am pretty fucking proud of that.

My post "On the sexy topics of sex and dating" may actually be my most popular hit. And self aggrandizement aside, maybe kind of relevant if you're a hot cancer chick who feels like her mojo is a little low due to some crazy hormone whacking chemo, the loss of hair, the placement of a port, the constant constipation/diarrea... you know, the sexy parts of cancer. Maybe.

Well, low mojo chemo bro, there is a light at the end of tunnel. And least, I'm seeing it.

Here are things that make me sexier because of cancer
-I love my body and appreciate it like never before
-the cancer experience gave me lots practice in voicing my needs (meaningful look)
-I still have a great rack
-I have adorable short hair
-yoga, my chemo rehab, has made me really flexible and increased my endurance

Lately the world has felt like my oyester. I think my boyfriend, Seattle, is making one last attempt to woo me even though he knows it's too late. But that doesn't stop him from pulling out all the stops: non-metaphorical boys to date, fantastically good times with old friends, connection to community, better weather... Nice try Seattle, I know it's time for a change.

Berkeley sent me an email yesterday with info about... you know, starting school. Lately I've been so overwhelmed by work that I can't possibily imagine anything past June 29. On June 29 I'll launch 3 of my summer programs. By that day I'll have compliance paperwork for over 125 members completed as well as a fully trained staff of 15 ready to do my bidding. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I mean, it HAS to happen, but how? So I can't possibly be thinking about things like finding an apartment, re-learning high school math (calculus? really?), and registering my car in the state of CA. Bleh.

Another interesting fact about my "class": no other Washingtonians! Only 4 PNW-ers! 2 Portland, a Boise, and me. In a class of 84 people! What the heck! Everyone is from California, DC, or New York. Bleh! Will people judge me for wearing chocos to formal events?

Bah, I'm going to yoga because I can only get sexier. Am I right?

Q & A (the beginning of my tribute to un Hick my Heart)

Q: OMG, how was the Un Hick My Heart Party?
A: Totally fucking awesome, amazing, great, fun, celebratory, inspirational, humbling, invigorating, empowering, rad, shot-ski, fantastic, loving, hilarious, sweeteous.

Q: who came?
A: um, who didn’t come? Jenny and Richard were missed Leslie represented Eugene. Nathan and Kerry flew in from Berkeley and Pittsburgh. Jon Marc and Sarah came down from Bellingham. From Portland we had: Jesse, Jade, Kelly, Emily, Jody, Steve, Jason, Spencer, Ben, Kathryn, Virginia, Margaret, Sarah, Brian, and Joanna. Joanna brought a shot-ski. Seattle? Too many to name! Dinner club + friends of dinner club + SCA!

Q: What was the highlight of the evening?
A: doing a shot-ski with my dad, Robin, and Sarah

Q: How many shot-skis did you do?
A: I don’t know

Q: what is a shot-ski?
A: a ski… with shot glasses taped to it. Duh.

Q: Where are the pictures?
A: Coming... of course I didn't take any! So send me yours!

Q: are you happy the Obama is the next president?
A: enh, sure. Yes we can, blah blah blah

Q: should gay people be able to get married?
A: why the hell would anyone get married! But I love gay people!

Q: how long does your killer vegan red curry last?
A: based on my last meal, at least 2-weeks.

No, it's not a third nipple... or is it?

Hmmm...
Can you figure out which 3 teeth are fake? This is really just a shot for Dr. Sheets, my orthodontist. Nice work!

Oh Holler!

I saw Dr. K today. WBC 6.6, Crit 29, Platelets 167!!!

Even more exciting: Hickman Extraction will take place on Monday (10/6) at 1pm. HOLY SHIT.

Less exciting: x-rays of my hips on Friday because they have felt a little funny since the 4 miles of fun running I did a month ago. Damn you, Prednisone!

I can't freakin believe it. I mean, the Hick is REALLY coming out. Soon. Dr. K gave me a hug, told me he was proud of me, and it's like, yeah, this hurdle is CLEARED. I start maintenance chemo next week: methotrexate, vincristine, pred...

More GOOD news. Dr. K said the amount and frequency of my Vincristine infusions will NOT cause hair loss. Grow little baby hairs! You have nothing to fear!

Other things to celebrate:
-Gorgeous weekend at Mt Rainier with 20 high school students. I love the youth I work with. They are amazing, loving, funny, intelligent, growing, and maturing... Sometimes a pain in the ass, but I feel like I have the best job in the world about 65% of the time. The weather was amazing--Paradise (5000 ft.) was 70 degrees and sunny! So beautiful...
-Package from the lovely, amazing, inspiring, and brutally powerful Bekah F. Thank you B, how did you find something so perfect? I will post pictures of my new present when I get batteries for my camera.
-Two yoga classes with Eiric this week. The man makes me SWEAT. Friday night will be my first Kirtan--singing and chanting with my teachers and yoga-friends. I plan on dedicating most of this week to yoga, to strength, and to power.

Leukemia is my bitch

It has been 223 days since I started my ALL protocol on February 13^th, 2008. In the last 8 and ½ months I have had:
8 different chemo meds
6 spinal taps
1 bone marrow aspiration
15 days of radiation
28 days in the hospital
1 trip to the ER

My blood counts have been down to zero on several occasions and today, today I am proud to report:
WBC 16
RBC 4
Platelets 37

What this means is I am now producing my OWN blood cells! I am totally out of the woods immune system-wise and as long as I stay away from knife fighting for the next few days, I should be fine.

Also, at my lowest points my secondary drug use looked like this:
GI: Zofran, pepcid, tums, stool softener, laxatives
Head: excedrine
Brain: prozac
Sleep: klonopin, ambien
Itchiness: Claritin, benedryl
Nueropathy: glutamine

Some days I would literally take ALL of these drugs. But for the last 5 days I have taken nothing but my glutamine. Goodbye secondary drugs!

And hello period! In the last 8 months I have only missed 1 menstrual period! Holler, ovaries!

I have several terrible pictures that I took over the weekend I spent in Corvallis, and I will post them later, but I had a WONDERFUL time seeing everyone. It was just so… nice. There was a lot of love and joyfulness everywhere I went and I am just so freakin grateful for everything that I have.

Next week Dr. K and I are going to talk Hickman removal, ORAL methotrexate, and long-term treatment.

This weekend is National Public Lands Day and I am going to Mount Rainier with 20 high school students. Jealous much?

I finally feel as amazing as a person finished with horrible chemo should. Thank you to all my readers who think nice things for me and my blood cells. I’m sure we’re all ready for phase 3 of this blog: Fall 2008—JessieO Dates Every Eligible Man in Seattle…

"Fun Run"

Today Krista, Julian and Lissa ran a half marathon for Muscular Dystrophy. I said I would go and cheer as they crossed the finish line. Then I said I would drive with them in case they wanted to get drunk afterward and needed a DD. Then I realized that I would have to wait around for 2+ hours waiting for them. So I signed up for the 4 mile "Fun Run/Walk" figuring that I could definitely walk 4 miles. Well guess what? I CAN RUN 4 MILES. Heck yeah. I ran all 4 miles. Or jogged all 4 miles. I was so proud of my body! Fuck you, chemo meds! Rock on, blood cells.


Julian, rocking the official Team NoBea headband. You can't see it, but this homemade headband says "Team NoBea."

Breakfast of champions. Champions battle neuropathy with Glutamine.

Team NoBea: Me, Krista, Lissa, Julian. I did 4 miles in about 50 minutes, they did 13.1 miles in 2 hours 10 minutes! They credit me with pacing them the first mile and half. Haha. But let's pretend. If you ever want an 11 minute mile pacer, I naturally run an 11 minute mile...

Check, check

Went in for a blood check this morning before the long weekend... Whites are up to 6.6 (holler!) and platelets 127. Go bone marrow, go! However, my reds continue to drop and it seemed like a good idea to get a transfusion this afternoon so I can have a really fun 3-day weekend. Transfusions are mostly cool because you feel so much better with more oxygen circulating. They just take about 5 hours which is pretty boring. I'm going to go home and gather netflix and Miranda July short stories and head in at 2:30.

Again, blood donors of the world: I thank you.

I have no plans for this 3-day weekend beyond doing yoga, watching TV, and shopping for skirts and t shirts at American Apparel. On Monday we have a Quest reunion with Danina and Lynn and dinner club. Awesome!

Oh, and Sarah Palin? Perhaps I will write a brilliant blog about my thoughts on the DNC and those speeches while I'm getting stranger-blood dumped in my body. O e t t i n g e r, out.

The beat goes on

My white count this morning was 4.1—that’s a fully functional immune system! The likelihood of me ending up in the Onc ward this week is very small. My crit (reds) are a little low and I will say that is the reason I only biked up half of Beacon Hill before getting off and walking. Low hematocrit and Adriomyacin. I heard a rumor I won’t bother to research that Lance wouldn’t take Adrio because it diminishes your lung capacity. Right. I bet Maarten took the Adrio like man.

Also, I forgot to mention in all my despair of steroid withdrawal that I got to see Jenny and Richard last weekend and it was sooooooooooo great. They brought philosophical discussion back to the NoBe Mansion. After they left Julian, Beth, my mom, and I debated the merits of organized religion as a political force. Jenny and Richard, come back and enrich our intellectual lives! No one will let me wax on at such length as Richard! No one!!!!

made it through to the other side

Whew. I woke up this morning feeling... normal. Well, Jessie-normal. I did 90 minutes of yoga and rewarded myself later in the afternoon with rice pudding from the Carniceria downstairs. It's really good rice pudding. I further rewarded myself by buying Half Baked for tonight's dinner club which is only me and CL.

Work was good today. It was kind of fun and busy and productive and I stayed later than everyone else for the first time in months. Of course I came in at noon, but it was almost an honest day!

What else can I tell you? I have raging acid reflux right now, but I just drank a glass of milk with 10 g of L-Glutamine in it. Today I begin my L-Glutamine regimen which should help with my returning neuropathy. Damn you Vincristine! Anyway, I had been taking it in pill form from the natural food store--100 g cost $14 and I had to take about 10 pills a day to get it all down. The powder was 1000 grams for $40 and it makes me feel like a buff weight lifter taking a supplament. As the jar informs me, I can just add this "tasteless" powder to my meal replacement/protein shake! Perfect!

The last day of steroids, cont

I felt like the most bad ass cancer patient in the world this morning. After going back to sleep post-post 1, I woke up and packed my Ortlieb bag with everything I would need for yoga, work, and chemo. This required a high degree of organization. Then I BIKED to yoga (ok it was a flat mile) but it felt so amazing. I haven't been outside on my bike in almost 10 months and I LOVE riding my bike. I mean, I really love riding my bike and for some reason I just got kind of scared off after the cancer and my legs started failing me. But this morning I did it!

Class was great. I felt good energy to just push hard and got a great sweat in. Afterwards I talked to my really rad teacher a lot about cancer and she told me that I was inspiring. Compliments, compliments, compliments. Then I rode my bike to work and worked, worked, worked. Then I kind of crashed. I stopped feeling like Lance Armstrong/Wolverine and started feeling like the world was crashing down around my shoulders. Shit. You know what Lance Armstrong and Wolverine will never have to deal with? Getting their period. Yes, it's here again. Hallelujah, but steroids and hormones together? Jesus, if it weren't for all my freakin meditating I probably would have had a complete melt down already. As it were, I'm just giving myself a break here, drinking some coffee and I called my mom and she's going to drive me to chemo as opposed to my original plan which involved biking to chemo... Some day!

Some days I just feel so good. I talk about this with my therapist and we talk about it a lot in yoga--not expecting things to be the same every day. Not letting yourself think something is going to be hard or bad just because it once was. I talk a lot about being ready for anything to happen, but when I say that I mean I wake a lot of mornings expecting to feel wonderful despite all the shitty things going on inside my body. So while my uterus does jumping jacks and my colon takes its sweet, sweet time moving anything out of my body, today is my last day of Decadron and JENNY AND RICHARD ARE COMING TO VISIT. Maybe I'll put off my weekend of despair for a bit to eat lots of unhealthy veggie food with them.

Tonight I get pho!

Today, today

Today was sunny! I wore a skirt to celebrate. I was going to drink beer when I got home, but then my friend Steve sent me a ton of organic chocolate chip cookies so I just at about 6 of those. No more sugar for this cancer patient today!

Another insane thing about today is that I worked 10.5 hours! I have been averaging around 6-7 a day for the last few weeks, but today I was so busy. I'm hardly ever busy these days! It is so great! JK is leaving which is terribly sad because I won't get to see him every day anymore. No more long, nebulous programming meetings that take way too long but are totally enjoyable. I mean, I'm sure I'll sit through a lot more boring meetings, but I probably won't enjoy them as much. On the other hand, our program may double in productivity because JK and I are both pretty... tangential. And story oriented.

Tomorrow Julian and I are headed to the Eug to see Jenny and Richard and Leslie and allllll the rugby girls (except Shock and Liz Squffin) and perhaps drink some drinks and watch some rugby. I will try really hard to take pictures this time around.

Tomorrow is also my last day of radiation! I will miss my technicians and such but YES. No more daily appointments! Tonight I need to make some tasty treats to take in with me to the radiology department.

Challah!

It's like I tell my parents, "when you don't hear from me it means things are cool and I'm just really busy and occupied trying to be normal." Not that blogging isn't normal or that I don't love the blogosphere or that I didn't write stupid things here incessantly before I got sick. Bah.

Things are mostly good. I'm a little sick to my stomach/dehydrated from the 6MP, but other than that... I've been trying to be "active." This means I've been riding my bike on the trainer, walking to work/radiation/home again, and yesterday Christina and I took an erie (but pleasant) walk around Seward Park. The thing is, I have these really powerful memories of running around Seward Park right before diagnosis and saying to Christina, "I just need some answers about what to do for the next few years..." And other memories of walking around SP with my parents right before I went into the hospital for the first time. And another memory of not being able to walk further than the first little dock with my mom when I got really sick. Somehow I'm not capturing all the millions of runs I went on there with M-Rachel or all the millions of runs I went on by myself or the triumphant memories of getting up to two laps without stopping, etc etc. Blah blah. I love Seward Park, OK?

Here is something fun. The radiologist (in defense of radiation no doubt) told me that if hair never grew back where LB was, it was because the tumor (not the radiation) had damaged the hair follicles. So the other day, I'm checkin out my cute bald head and notice LB is darker than the rest of my scalp. Upon closer examination, it's because the most dense hair regrowth is where LB is! I have this habit of rubbing LB that started long ago. For a while it was painful, and then it was kind of gross feelings, but now when I stroke the remains of my tumor, there are all these soft little baby hairs. TMI? I don't care! You're reading it!

In the last few weeks I've had a 180 on my baldness. Of course I still miss my hair and the identity that went along with it, but most days I look in the mirror and think, "you're pretty cute!" Some other awesome things about not having hair are: not washing hair, not struggling in vain to make hair look cute, not buying hair products to straighten/defrizz/curl/condition/wash hair. And of course there's my on-going fascination with androgyny...

Which leads me to the general topic of how I feel about myself in relation to sex and all that. When y0u have a giant tube coming out of your chest it's really hard to imagine having sex with anyone. I also realize that my lack of hair sort of kills the fantasy as well. Isn't that strange? I never realized how much my hair played into my thoughts of my own sexuality until it was gone. Thankfully (I guess) the initial anxiety of having cancer coupled with these crazy powerful drugs sort of shut all of that off for a while. What I find is that as my anxiety goes away (goodbye, Ambian! For now...) and my hormones say, "fuck you, chemo drugs!" I need to reconcile how to hold on to my sexuality and still be bald, tube-ridden, etc.

Well, I'd say that's enough for now. It's Sunday! It's sunny! Have a great day!

Boring post

I haven't been inspired to update lately. I think it's that it's been REALLY cold for April and everyone is really depressed about that. There has been pervasive grumpiness amongst all friend groups. Saturday the 11th it was 75 degrees. Yesterday it was 40 and we had rain/snow/hail all day. Oh, and it was Earth Day so I was outside moving mulch.

The good news is that I'm starting to feel stronger. I've been trying hard to walk places, to go up and down the stairs as much as possible, etc. Yesterday I spend all day walking around and doing mild manual labor. I am SORE today, but happy.

Q-Rachel wants to go shopping today. The apocalypse must be right around the corner.