Update 1: Prednisone

5 days a month is actually turning out to be pretty OK. I have 5 nutty, but extremely productive days a month and the worst of the side effects (horrible heart burn, total OCD insanity, sleeplessness, despondent withdrawal) are all minimized by the brevity of the situation. This round of Pred resulted in these excellent results:

-Taxes: filed

-FAFSA: filed

-Shopping: 2 new sweaters, one new bra

-Perfume bottle: fixed

-Lamb/tomato/tumeric red lentils: perfected

-Gym: joined

-Bills: transferred to roommates

-Laundry: 4 loads

-Mansion Lease: signed

Hi

I just finished my graduate school essays. My personal history statement about how cancer has changed the way I feel about my life was the most difficult to write. In the end, I ended up distilling the experience into the three biggest ideas: that I realized I harbor a positive attitude at the root of my personality, that I have new appreciation for what hope is, and that I am infinitely grateful for my investment in community.

I thought my grateful attitude was a new thing brought about by cancer, but I just found this great journal entry from November 22, 2007:

“There are so many more amazing things to come. The last few years have introduced almost exclusively wonderful things into my life and yet I still struggle with their impermanence. Living in abundance—a paradigm that I love and that is not finite seems more and more appropriate.

Things that are abundant:
Love—the love of my friends
The possibility that something good will happen

Who is to say that Nathan, my favorite jeans, my friends in PDX, my professional life, the production of good music… there is no end to crushes, creativity, and my own potential. I’m thankful for Wilco, my health, my friends, and my family. There is always more.”

Sometimes I look at shit like this and shake my head. Am I seriously that girl? I think that yes, I am. It’s ridiculous.

Anyway, I feel excellent right now. My application is complete, it’s 4pm and I’m still in my pajamas, Phil Collins is playing, we have a 90% chance at a great new roommate, my sister comes tomorrow, it’s Christmas time, I just found this fantastic journal that I forgot I started last November before I got sick…

If you’re wondering how I am, I’m good. I work all the time now. I’m tired all the time. I am getting fat because it’s Christmas and I am eating a ton of sugar and my digestive system is functioning properly and helping me absorb thousands of bad calories. I made 12 rum cakes the other day. I still can’t feel my toes. I can do a half moon in yoga without putting my hand on a block…

I will continue to update on occasion, but for all you cancer blog fans out there, the best of it is Feb-August 2008. Cancer is really short. We were talking about that the other month in my LLS group—that treatment feels like forever, but really, it’s a remarkably short span of time for most folks. It doesn’t mean I don’t grapple with cancer-related issues every day (like health insurance for grad school! Blah!) but I think it’s probably significantly less interesting.

WWOOF

I have made a heinous mistake and credited Virgina, a stunning pie chef in her own right, with KATHRYN'S amazing pesto that we ate at dinner club. My apologies. The basil was obviously righteous basil too because it came from the farm where Faf Willingly Worked On an Organic Farm (WWOOF).

Saw the doc, the whites are down and so are the platelets. Damn you, Cytoxan. Apparently the nadir comes days 12-14 so the worst should hit next week. The plan for the weekend is watch Sarah Z get married, get more Cytarabine, work outside with high school students, see Liz Squffin for the first time in several years, try to sleep as much as possible between events... Monday I'll get some Nupagen so my whites are cookin' during my trip to Oregon next week!

Today chemo was an hour and 45 minutes late. I almost had a meltdown but settled for deep breaths and eventually coming to terms with the fact that I can't go to yoga every day and that sometimes I can take pill-yoga: Klonopin. Holler. Well, now it's 8:45 and I have added Ambien to the mix. I need to faceplant in my bed and see y'all tomorrow.

Besos.

Crash, burn, get up

Ah, the fog has cleared. Every few months I have a Crash and Burn few days where I just totally, totally “bonk out” as they say in endurance sports. Last week was kind of a lot—the 4 mile run, yoga, work, Cytoxan, the party, the Portland visitors… and I bonked out. But the good news is I am much better at dealing with bonking than I was the first few times. Here are the lessons I’ve learned:
-continue to eat and drink water even though you feel like crap
-freakin take your Zofran before the nausea gets really bad
-it’s OK to sleep…
-as long as you are sleeping and not just lying in bed, lacking the motivation to get up

Once I reach the lying in bed with no motivation to get up, then it’s time to get up, force feed, and go to work and attempt to engage in life. That was today.

To give you a run down, I went to the party on Friday night where I must now digress and share the uninteresting update: party not that awkward. There were a ton of people there, including a lot of people that I am friends with so while I had many normal and pleasant interactions with the young man in question (including a moment I know he was checking out my ass in my jeans—and it looks good) there was no awkwardness. Well done, Jessie! As for the evening’s entertainment, my friend Elisa is a sex educator for Planned Parenthood and my new friend Nathan seemed to know a lot about sex and so most of us listened raptly to advice about... stuff. Let's just say I learned a lot.

Anyhoo, the Weeks and Verhoeven contingent made it down around 10, we met up with Birch and I did not go to bed until TWO IN THE MORNING. I know, it was so crazy. Saturday was a whirlwind of tourist-like activities and then just like that it was over. As soon as my friends left I got in bed and didn’t get out until yesterday afternoon when I realized I was hosting dinner club for 10 people. Luckily my mom was lurking in North Seattle, waiting to be useful and together we made BOMB polenta, red sauce, and used Virg’s awesome pesto to put together the perfect late-summer dinner.

Here is my red sauce recipe:
Sautee onions, peppers, garlic, summer squash
Add a bottle of beer (I used Pacifico)
Reduce
Add a goodly amount of fresh diced tomatoes
Salt, sugar, fresh basil to taste

Mmmmmm.

Today I made myself get up and go to work and tonight I went to yoga for the first time since Thursday. I was definitely a little stiff, but more than ready to hit it. Tomorrow I get to go to Eiric’s Wednesday morning class which I love but I think I’m going to have to start limiting my 9:30-11 yoga classes to about one a week if I’m going to start working “full time.”

I was just saying to my therapist that I was getting used to my cancer lifestyle—only working part time, doing lots of yoga, spending the rest of my time with the onc nurses at Swedish… Bah—Real Life, you loom large!

Here is Ben doing plow:

On the sexy topics of sex and dating

Bekah sent me a long email the other day that brought up what would happen if we blogged about the sex and dating lives of two hot chicks with cancer. The answer: who knows? Because enough of our family and friends and people we’ve had sex with (sorry, to out you as a non virgin, B) read our blogs and really…

Anyway. Tonight I’m going to a party. There will be a young man there who my friends would like to set me up with. They brought up the subject with him many months ago followed by, “Oh… and she has cancer… so you might want to wait a few months.” I guess he responded in a slightly horrified way (much as I would… cancer—no thanks! Those people have baggage!) and then when I did meet him at a party it was horribly, horribly awkward because I was obviously cancer-girl. In about an hour and half I am going over to his house (that he shares with my friend Brandon) for a party. As I have the ultimate cancer-perspective, our last encounter ceases to haunt me and I was just excited about a party (!) with my friends (!)

This afternoon CL sent me a text that said, “ps the other person whose birthday party it is is [Roommate X’s] ex… but don’t worry because you’re smarter than her.” Now I have a lot of anxiety and fear another awkward encounter; this time purely because I will be extremely awkward around this young man. But after trying on my entire wardrobe, I have found an appropriate outfit and as long as I remember to freshen up my deodorant and put some moisturizer on my “combination skin” things should be OK.

But back to paragraph 1: the sex and dating lives of hot chicks with cancer. Or in this case, my non sex and dating life. Dr. Oz said on Oprah a couple days ago that men don’t care about cellulite, so perhaps they also don’t care about temporary Alopecia. But I have also found out over the course of my short life that men are really uninterested in smart, empowered, and independent women so I fear cancer has made me even more of all of these things. It’s going to take a Salt ‘n’ Peppa “what a man” to handle me at this point.

Here is a list of things that make me feel unsexy:
-My shiny, bald head
-Watching my pubic hair fall out every time I go to the bathroom
-Being constipated for the last MONTH
-The huge bruises that I’ve gotten from being careless and low on platelets
-Suppression of hormones due to chemo

Here is a list of things that me feel sexy:
-The fact that I’ve lost almost 20 lbs with cancer
-My new yoga bod and my sexy lean muscle that’s poppin’
-The fact that I look GOOD bald
-The mysterious tan I’ve developed in spite of hiding from the sun all summer and wearing sun block
-I have an awesome rack

Well, expect more of my thoughts on this as I get totally “Real” about my sex and dating life which will hopefully materialize at some point. And don’t worry people who I have had sex with and who read this blog: I will not out you or speak of our encounters. I’m sorry I said the food at Geraldine’s was better than anything we ever had together, but the fried egg sandwich when a girl is on Pred and not on sexy hormones will make you say things like that on the internet…

How was that, B? I have a long email drafted to you that I will send soon. Mucho love.

Because I obviously have to post

I have several potential blogging topics:
-How much I don't want to take Cyclophosphomide on Thursday and and my reservations about my treatment protocol/discussion of whether or not I even have ALL, etc.
-My growing connection to the NoBea neighborhood via my yoga studio. My growing connection to Seattle and community here
-The merits of John McCain's choice of Sarah Palin as running mate and how the Republican strategists seem a lot more together then the Dems
-Review of Murderball which I finally saw last night and loved. Segue into how much I miss playing rugby and my teammates

But I'm not feeling very bloggy. I'm feeling kind of tired. The blood transfusion rocked my world (energy! yes!) and I kicked ass in both my yoga classes so far this weekend. But now all I really want to do is watch the US Open, read, and eat. We're having a dinner party right tonight (cooked almost exclusively by Rachel--I contributed my 3-day old tabouli which is still pretty tasty) and I'm hiding in my room drinking diet coke. Last night Julian had a party and I came downstairs and stayed long enough to gorge myself on guacamole and say hi to his friend Sarah who I really like and then I retired for the evening--Murderball in bed. Perfection.

Manic Roid Machine

I just woke up with that blog post title on the tip of my tongue. Manic. Roid. Machine. Sweet.

Here is the good news: I only have three (3!) days of decadron left! And while I feel completely insane about 30% of the time, hyper is slightly better than depressed. Hyper. Really hyper. And then hyper CRASH! BANG! And I just drank an entire bottle of Maalox in 24 hours.

Last night I made dinner for fourteen (14!) people! It was dinner club, plus my fam, the roommates, and some Corvallis kids. Here is the delicious menu:

Black bean burgers from scratch!
Black beans mashed (with a few whole ones for appearance)
Walla wallla onions, peppers, zucchini sauteed
garlic, lime, salt, cumen, whatev
bread crumbs (gluten free!)
with a little egg to hold it together
**I broiled the burgers (both sides) on a lightly greased pan (they held together very well) and served with avocado, tomato, onion, pepper jack, and condiments on sourdough English muffins. Or tapico hamburger buns (for those of you who can't do the gluten.)

MMMMMMMMMMM

Gluten-free tabouli!
quinoa
chives
tomatoes (seeded)
cucumbers (seeded)
chopped mint
chopped parsley
garlic
olive oil
lemon
salt

Desert was the approx 4 lbs of blueberries I picked on Sunday afternoon mixed with fresh peaches, lime, and honey. We served it over vanilla ice cream and CL made the most decadent blueberry cobbler. I love food. I love community. I love Klonopin my new anti anxiety med that made it possible to lie down and stay lying down all night (even if I didn't exactly sleep) after my guests left and I had manically cleaned the kitchen (with help) several times. This isn't nearly as bad as last time's bought with steroids and it's almost, almost over!

Thursday is my last cocktail of Adriomyicin, Vincristine, and Decadron. After that I get a rest before the Cyclo and Ara-C. My plan for this weekend is to do lots of yoga and just crash hard off the steroids. I hope I cry and sleep, and read a lot of books and drink a ton of water. If you want to come over and watch sad movies, I think that might be just what the doctor ordered.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. I still have 3 nutso days left and on those days I have lots of fun things planned like going to yoga with my sister in a few hours, seeing my young adult cancer group, hanging out with high school students and writing the first complete draft of my fall programming schedule. Boo yah, baby!

Roid on!

Gosh darn it

Would you believe that there’s a “Blogging for Blood Cancer” week and that this is it? Well, believe it, baby! Since I love blogging and in particular, blogging about blood cancer, I thought I would try to blog every day this week!

And how appropriate too. Because instead of feeling all healthy-like I am feeling pretty cancer-y today. My chemo from Thursday night is starting to take effect: my mouth hurts, I’m tired, my body is SORE from yesterday’s yoga class… Oh, cell death!

But before everything started to suck, I had a nice weekend. On Saturday I went to a community garden work project (yay community! yay gardens!) where there were goats! I love goats! And then my mom and I went to Nordstrom and bought new clothes. When I got home I forced myself to purge my t shirt drawer down to the scant few items I actually wear. Yesterday I went to yoga, had lunch at Geraldine’s (cornbeef sandwich, fries, diet coke, coffee) and then writhed in pain all afternoon because hello! my GI track is dying too! Buy I rallied for dinner at the Lemongrass with the Christinas and my mom. God, I love food. However, I think it’s back to wheat thins and bananas for the next few weeks while I wait for my stomach lining to come back…

Keep bleedin

Coming back to work today was hard after my three-day week day weekend. I was feeling kind of like everything sucked and life was devoid of meaning. Even a huge bowl of veggie pho from Pho Hai Yen couldn't lift my spirits! However, 30 minutes on the trainer has left me feeling optimistic. I think I will live another day!

Speaking of pho and food. Nathan and I went back to Geraldine's for breakfast yesterday. I have now been there three times and two of those meals have rivaled the best sexual experiences of my life. Read that as you will. I'm just saying. If I thought their grilled cheese was amazing, it was only because I had not yet tried the fried egg, bacon, and arugula sandwich. Sweet Moses.

What else can I tell you? I can't stop listening to Keep Bleedin Love and I LOVE it. Tomorrow I go see Dr. K to hear about my blood counts. This week we start oral methotrexate (as opposed to spinal methotrexate). I am assuming that no one from Dr. K's called me this week because there is no contamination of my Hickman line.

Oh, and here is part of g chat transcript from today:

oh yeah, and that story about the hickman, made me think about the time i had a hand in pulling out a woman's central line, it was terrible. i think it hadn't been put in properly, but i was there when it fell out just after she had had explosive diarrhea and we had rushed her to the bathroom, so i felt really bad

you shouldn't feel too guilty about cutting that line, but i bet you are already over it by now

3:44 PM by the way, your one eye looks really pretty in your blog photo

very dark and ponderious

i mean ponderous

is that a word?

ponderful?

See? It could be worse... (notice how I left the compliment on the end--without eyebrows I need lots of compliments...)

Week day weekend

I've done nothing but eat, computer, and watch TV for the last 48 hours. And continue to lose my eye brows.

Eugene! Part 1

This weekend was
a) Awesome
b) hot
c) Rugby Alumni weekend

What a sweet weekend. Hoolian and I left right after my last (!) radiation on Friday afternoon and drove down the 5 to Jenny and Richard's new place in Eugene.

Jenny and Richard have a cute cat. I miss Jenny and Richard. I wish we could fuse Eugene to Seattle and it only took 45 minutes to get there.

We went to Rennie's Landing to meet up with Dirty Ducks past and present. I didn't bring my camera because Ramey has learned the hard way that rugby drinking and nice digital cameras do NOT mix. If I were to paint picture for you... well, it was all my friends drinking a lot. It was great. Sometimes people seem afraid my physical body these days--like I might break or something. But my rugby girls just came up and rubbed my head and fondled my breasts and gave me lots of hugs and it was nice... I did see one old friend (non rugby) who didn't seem to understand that I had cancer and just kept complimenting me on my ballsy hair style choice! That was pretty great. I had almost 4 drinks over the course of the evening and felt quite merry. On the walk home we wandered into an apartment building and Jenny and Julian found us a route to the roof. After the proper amount of speculating about organized religion from the roof on a beautiful summer-y evening, we went home and binged on cookies. Mmmmm.

The rugby game was also fun. While I didn't play, I was able to run out onto the field and score my 4th tri in 7 years. Sweet. Oh, I forgot to take pictures. But it was really hot so we got Slurpees (I take the dumbest pictures)
Uh, I kind of ate constantly on this trip. Tasty Thai, Market of Choice dolmas, sushi, etc etc etc. Right now I feel a little disgusting actually. On the way home we stopped in Corvallis to see my family and now, finally, we are HOME. My room looks like shit and smells like dirty clothes. Tomorrow I have a spinal tap and my eye brows have started to fall out due to radiation. However, my warm, warm memories of this weekend make it all seem mostly OK. Eyebrows grow back and this will be my second to last spinal tap!

Today, today

Today was sunny! I wore a skirt to celebrate. I was going to drink beer when I got home, but then my friend Steve sent me a ton of organic chocolate chip cookies so I just at about 6 of those. No more sugar for this cancer patient today!

Another insane thing about today is that I worked 10.5 hours! I have been averaging around 6-7 a day for the last few weeks, but today I was so busy. I'm hardly ever busy these days! It is so great! JK is leaving which is terribly sad because I won't get to see him every day anymore. No more long, nebulous programming meetings that take way too long but are totally enjoyable. I mean, I'm sure I'll sit through a lot more boring meetings, but I probably won't enjoy them as much. On the other hand, our program may double in productivity because JK and I are both pretty... tangential. And story oriented.

Tomorrow Julian and I are headed to the Eug to see Jenny and Richard and Leslie and allllll the rugby girls (except Shock and Liz Squffin) and perhaps drink some drinks and watch some rugby. I will try really hard to take pictures this time around.

Tomorrow is also my last day of radiation! I will miss my technicians and such but YES. No more daily appointments! Tonight I need to make some tasty treats to take in with me to the radiology department.

Go ahead

Everything has been explained to me. It's a long story. I won't tell it.

I am starting full-cranial radiation on Monday along with the spinal tap and of course... 6MP. Supposedly the dose of radiation my brain is getting is small enough that it has a smaller chance than the toxic chemicals they're pumping into my spinal fluid of doing damage to my brain. Those chances are pretty small, but I still don't like it.

Also: I'm famous. My radiologist called a whole bunch of other fancy radiologists and then they all talked about me and how weird this is and what you're supposed to do.

This weekend is going to be Weekend of Denial: Food and Shopping. (We'll rename the other one "Weekend of Denial: Booze and Snuggling") I'm going to Portland and I get to see all my friends and my sister. Hurrah!

Intensification

It's intense. I feel terrible. I finally feel like my body is dying. I know that sounds melodramatic and that most people have worse side effects and feel more bad than me (yeah, more bad) and all of that... but I imagine most of you are reading this because you want to know how either a) I'm doing, or b) what it's like having Chemotherapy.

The answer to both of those is: Crappy.

I feel bad. All over. My stomach hurts. All the time. My back hurts. All the time. And it's not like dramatic puking, dying... it's like it hurts. There is a general feeling of badness. I have drugs for Nausea (nope), Anxiety (not really), Pain, and Sleep. All of them make my stomach hurt more. Tonight the hot bath did nothing which I found particularly depressing.

Here's something that made me mad today. AC gave me a Cancer Cookbook (that was nice, I appreciated that) with all this advice about what foods to eat to avoid cancer and what to eat while you're undergoing Chemo and FUCK I already eat all of the fucking cancer fighting foods. All the time. And I did before. And I still got leukemia. Even though I eat tons of AntiOxidants. And for the last time (this is directed at the cookbook and all cancer websites) I AM NOT NAUSEATED I DO NOT NEED ADVICE ABOUT HOW TO FIGHT NAUSEA I NEED TO KNOW HOW TO MAKE MY STOMACH STOP HURTING ALL THE TIME CAN'T SOMEONE TELL ME THAT?

I think what makes this so disappointing is how high I was riding at the end of Induction. My oncologist was pretty clear that both Induction and Intensification were the hard part--and that this whole 8 weeks was going to suck, but I just assumed that because the first half was over, I was Superwoman. Lately I do not feel like Superwoman. Or Iron Woman. Or Wolverine. I feel like whiny, sick, Jessie. All week I've been having these really intense moments where everything gets So Bad that I think the world is ending. What it means is that I need a nap--ASAP. Today I made the mistake of having a phone meeting with a Partner Org that I knew would kill me inside. Sure enough, 55 minutes into the conversation I wanted to curl up into a little ball on my office floor. I had to cancel my coffee with my New Cancer Friend and go home and sleep for 3 hours. I haven't managed to bounce back since--even though my Chemo nurse was waiting for me today and got me in and out of the Treatment Center in 20 minutes. (That's my gratitude of the day).

Tomorrow I have to go back to work because I have things to do. I am in the middle of free-writing about why it is that I'm working. It's good for me to think about this all a little harder.

Obsessed

I know I sound absolutely obsessed with food and particularly with pho, but I am going to exude its amazing regenerative powers once again. Today my chemo (2 shots which take approx 30 seconds to administer) was 45 minutes late because they forgot I was sitting in the waiting room. Now, I only like to say nice things about the nice people who help me with my cancer, but some days this is very challenging. Instead of crying and throwing myself against the plate glass windows, I opted for some Veggie Pho from my new fave: Pho Hai Yen. I feel better already. When Bryon originally made a joke about eating my food when I got home, I said, "if you do that I will punch you in the face" and I meant it. But after eating it, I mean it in a jokey-way. Haha.

One of my shots (Cytarabine) is in my stomach, it doesn't hurt, and it does suppress my appetite. The other shot was in my arm it DID hurt and makes me produce more red blood cells which is supposed to make my bones ache and give me more energy. So much to look forward to in the coming days.

What this all means is that my counts have gone back down (as they're supposed to since I had a lot more toxic drugs this week.) That last 4 week cycle of Chemo was the first of two knarley cycles. They have names. I finished "Induction" Chemo on Thursday. On Monday in the H I started "Intensification." Fun names, huh?

Well, I'm going to eat more pho and probably watch Kris Carr's Crazy Sexy Cancer again because it makes me cry and I need to do some crying.

Love doesn't have to be a lie

I'm feeling a little Tragic tonight. I know it's my body crashing off its daily fix of Pred/crack. I think it did a lot to obscure some of my Chemo side effects so today was a little rough. Physically it was a low-point since my second day in the hospital.

Here are some weird side effects:
My fingers keep going numb
My mouth tastes like I burned all of my taste buds
I have the most insane gas
I am SO TIRED

I think the burly lentils I made yesterday morning might have a little to do with the intestinal distress...

I have visitors! Nathan and Leslie are visiting from Manhattan and Eugene respectively. It is so nice to see them and you would think I get tired of talking about me and my Cancer, but nope! So far it really helps to process where I am with people I care about and trust--so that is good! We ate! I still think about food pretty much ALL the time so let me tell you about the amazing food I had today!
--Veggie Pho! from Pho Hei Yen
--Grilled Cheese Sandwich from Geraldine's
Due to whatever whatever, pho and cheese sandwiches both make me feel a lot better when my stomach is killing me. Weird, huh? Even weirder: my landlord was at BOTH places at BOTH lunch and dinner. Since I have cancer I can be rude and ignore people though!

Yesterday I got my head shaved for reals by a barber on Beacon Hill. I'd like to give a special shout out to Abraham and Kicks and Cuts for the complimentary buzz. Not only did he not charge me, he made me feel really good and normal about being a chubby white girl in a barber shop on Beacon Hill to get my head shaved because I have cancer. The whole scene was kind of bizarre which is what I suppose I was going for... but anyway, it was OK. As for the look--not so hot. I HATE being bald. Now I know. Tomorrow I am going to look for a wig. While I was sitting there a woman randomly popped her head in to ask about something and looked at me and was like "I'm a 2-time breast cancer survivor! You're beautiful! You can do it!" Life has been kind to me like that a lot lately.

Warning: Marathon of Cancer and non Cancer Thoughts

Friday afternoon EDWARD accepted our invitation to live in the Mansion! Hooray! We have a roommate! He seems great! The search is over!

On Friday night my mom came back in to town and thank God. When Rachel moved into the Mother-in-Law she left her room its hideous shade of beige, but first randomly painted some streaks of olive and sage green on various walls. Thanks, Rachel. I was pretty depressed about this, but I wanted the walk-in closet so much that it seemed worth it to move into the badly painted room and just deal with it… later. But my mom is almost as manic as I am (even without the Prednisone) and on Friday night she made a trip to Lowe’s for primer and paint. In less than 16 hours she primed my room and painted both the ceiling and the walls. It looks so beautiful. Besides being a brilliant theologian she also happens to possess a gift for painting.
Please note all the things about my room that White People Like: Ikea Bookcase, Expensive Sheets from Garnet Hill, and One Nice Piece of Vintage (nightstand in corner was Christmas gift from dad…)

Saturday afternoon the Pereirras were in town so they swung by. Birch and Cliff moved all of my furniture down the hall and Chere and my mom made my bed for me. I just sat there letting myself be helped. Besides primroses and muscle Cliff and Chere brought me a nice lavender heating pillow and these great White Blood Cell Tiles for My Team. When you touch them, you’re supposed to think good things for my white blood cells. I love stuff like this. I also love Cliff and Chere. They stopped in PDX on the way up and handed them out to some of my PDX peeps, so I know the love is well spread down the I-5 corridor. If you want a tile, shoot me and email! Let’s not forget that Q-Crew was around for the whole moving fiasco and helped by being awesome friends. I made pizza for dinner and they stayed and we got to have lots of good conversation that didn’t revolve around me having cancer or anything Old like that. If I don’t say it every day to someone, I’ll say it here: Q-Crew is my rock.

Today I was feeling pretty cracked out on the Pred (2 more days, 2 more days…) and so I started making a list of errands that I should do while I still only feel the need to sleep for about 3 hours a day. One of my errands was a trip to Target to return the Trainer I bought (Julian has one). Of course you can only find Target in the most disgusting outlying areas of Seattle and of course it involves driving more than 10 minutes from my house, but my mom and I ventured to Renton. It was horrible. Target was horrible. The suburbs are horrible. Right now I can only be thinking of reasons I want to live and so therefore I try to avoid anything that makes me want to commit suicide like complexes of Target/Lowes/Frys/PetCo/Etc. The return was simple enough but after about 2 seconds of attempting to shop for other necessities I felt myself panicking and my mom and I booked it back to NoBea for some Pho. Pho is the answer to everything bad.

This afternoon the Need to Do returned and in the shower I decided, what the fuck? I’m going to shave all of my body hair. It’s falling out anyway! In chunks! Gross! I have never, ever shaved my pubic hair. Oh my god. I don’t think I’ve seen such a sight since I was… 13? I’m not into it. I look pre-pubescent. So let’s re-cap the beating my sexuality has taken in the last 3 weeks:
Shiny, naturally highlighted (if not difficult), woman head-hair: gone
Fantastic, constantly highlighted cleavage: suffering from an ugly white tube protruding
Pubic Region: regressed 12 years.

I don’t think I knew I was attached to any sense of my femininity or that I walked around knowing that at any moment some man might see me and think Ah HA! I want to hit that! But now I feel fairly certain that is NOT happening. And it sucks. I’m not saying that the shaved head isn’t cute or that I deserve it when people gawk at my Hickman at QFC, but… fuck.

It came to me in a dream

I think I look kind of like Billy Zane, but with boobs. Also. I got up at 5 this morning and made my Collard Greens and Red Lentil Souffle. It's still in the oven, but I think it's going to be bomb. It has both dairy and eggs: that's how I know it's going to taste good. Also, while taking my morning crack, I noticed there are only 6 days of pills left! I will miss you twilight cooking experiments!

Relax, already

Today my home heath care nurse swung by to check on me and my Hickman line. The Hick looks good--I've been practicing a sexy, come-hither twirl with it that is starting to turn me on. Watch out.

She also mentioned that I should a) sleep more, b) be less stressed out, and c) not have such bad heartburn/acid reflux. I've been a little weary to ask my doctor for prescription meds or complain too much about the side effects of the Pred/Chemo drugs. They aren't pleasant for sure, but I felt like MORE medicating was the wrong way to go. As we hit the 2 week mark (seriously, it's only been 2 weeks?) the little things are really starting to get to me. While I wouldn't describe my pain over a 4 at any point (hello, rugby!) its consistency is starting to wear on me. Anyway, the nurse confirmed that I can ask for Xanax and Protonix without looking like a med seeking, pansy.

Tonight I have a massage which will hopefully solve the issue of my back hurting 24/7. The one thing that seems to help is Vicodin, but the resulting "yucky" feeling really kills my buzz.

Also, my friend Kerry had signed up for a Leukemia and Lymphoma Society Tri-athalon before Little Buddy was ever even diagnosed as a tumor. If you want to visit her page, give her money, and support a REALLY GOOD CAUSE--do it! Everyone keeps asking me what they can do.

Here is a list:
*If you live in Seattle, come help me move down the hall this weekend into Rachel's old room.
*If you don't live in Seattle, go donate blood.
*If you give away money, give some to Kerry/the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society

So that's it for today. In my head I am creating a Lentil-Greens souffle to make tonight for dinner. Mmmmmmm.