The last day of steroids, cont

I felt like the most bad ass cancer patient in the world this morning. After going back to sleep post-post 1, I woke up and packed my Ortlieb bag with everything I would need for yoga, work, and chemo. This required a high degree of organization. Then I BIKED to yoga (ok it was a flat mile) but it felt so amazing. I haven't been outside on my bike in almost 10 months and I LOVE riding my bike. I mean, I really love riding my bike and for some reason I just got kind of scared off after the cancer and my legs started failing me. But this morning I did it!

Class was great. I felt good energy to just push hard and got a great sweat in. Afterwards I talked to my really rad teacher a lot about cancer and she told me that I was inspiring. Compliments, compliments, compliments. Then I rode my bike to work and worked, worked, worked. Then I kind of crashed. I stopped feeling like Lance Armstrong/Wolverine and started feeling like the world was crashing down around my shoulders. Shit. You know what Lance Armstrong and Wolverine will never have to deal with? Getting their period. Yes, it's here again. Hallelujah, but steroids and hormones together? Jesus, if it weren't for all my freakin meditating I probably would have had a complete melt down already. As it were, I'm just giving myself a break here, drinking some coffee and I called my mom and she's going to drive me to chemo as opposed to my original plan which involved biking to chemo... Some day!

Some days I just feel so good. I talk about this with my therapist and we talk about it a lot in yoga--not expecting things to be the same every day. Not letting yourself think something is going to be hard or bad just because it once was. I talk a lot about being ready for anything to happen, but when I say that I mean I wake a lot of mornings expecting to feel wonderful despite all the shitty things going on inside my body. So while my uterus does jumping jacks and my colon takes its sweet, sweet time moving anything out of my body, today is my last day of Decadron and JENNY AND RICHARD ARE COMING TO VISIT. Maybe I'll put off my weekend of despair for a bit to eat lots of unhealthy veggie food with them.

Tonight I get pho!

Let's get Physical!

There’s so much to tell you, dear internet! First of all, I love you. I love you in the complicated way that grown-ups love things.

What have I been up to? Well let’s see. Putting out little fires at work. We’re firemen, Kerry, that’s what we are. I know I should say “fire people” but Fireman is just kind of a sexy word. Speaking of sexy firemen that are women, yesterday was the Seattle Gay Pride Parade and you bet the female firemen marching in the parade were about the sexiest lesbians I’ve seen in a while. I mean, besides all the sexy lesbians that I actually know. Which is a lot of sexy lesbians. What do you want to bet happens when people google “sexy lesbian?” They’ll end up right here! This is not what I thought my post was going to be about…

Um. Moving on. Getting physical. Last weekend I went to a yoga class, but I promised Nathan I wouldn’t be one of those people who talked about yoga a lot. I’m going again tomorrow. I think it’s a better way to spend money than the co-pays at the physical therapist who just had me walk on a treadmill for 20 minutes.

On Saturday I went hiking up in Skykomish with Julian and Beth who are training to climb mountains. I was hesitant to bring my out of shape bones with them, but they found a trail that had a nice lake-y, stopping point mid-way so I didn't have to go as far as them. I brought nectarines and the Amber Spyglass to occupy me and spent a nice 3 hours sitting on the shore of a beautiful alpine lake, enjoying the quiet and the nature. It's my job (sort of) to have high standards when it comes to trail maintenance, but still, trail was a total disaster (spring storms) and we had to bushwhack and clamber in the first mile which was pretty exhausting. I only made it to the 2 mile mark which was the lovely Trout Lake when I decided it was Golden Compass time. I won’t pretend like the hike was burlier than it really was because Julian sometimes reads this and I don’t want him to think I’m a liar or an exaggerator (even though I’m guilty of the latter often enough,) but I was pretty tired after 2 miles. Mostly I felt extremely nauseated. The methotrexate gives me this very subtle baseline nausea that’s not so bad, but combined with “strenuous” hiking, it was kind of pushing it harder than I wanted to push. Bah! Damn you, cancer! I am impatient to be through with you and get my body back!

Yesterday I went to Pride with my friends. It was really fun. I will post pictures because I remembered my camera. And then I remembered to take pictures. Glory be.

What else can I tell you about my week, internet? It was all about work! That’s why I can’t say much… When I was in PGH the other week, I noticed my colleagues running around all crazy-like and I remembered how I had been like them last year. And I thought somewhat condescendingly that they really needed to chill out and have some cancer-perspective (cancerective?) about life… Anyway, it was just that I was in denial of how much work there is and I ran around all week like a crazy person and dreamt about work every night that I didn’t take a Xanex and Ambien combo. Today, I feel like I have time to breath for… the next 20 minutes. Then I’m going to see Dr. K. He was gone last week and I kind of missed him. I never go two weeks without seeing my Oncologist-boo, so it will be good to see him. I’m going to ask him about BRAC-1/2 gene today.

Oh and last Monday I got my period again. That’s 3 in a row, every 28 days. This means that I’ve only missed one since starting chemo which I think means my reproductive system is obviously all systems go. Luckily I got tons of condoms at Pride yesterday, so just in case I ever have sex again I will be prepared. Like that will happen!

The Thaw

Any good EcoFeminist knows that it's dangerous to create a dichotomy between the brain and body. For too many years the patriarchy has equated the masculine with thinking qualities and the feminine with the body and *baser*, more earthly things. They then used this dichotomy to justify wanton destruction of the natural world and the the subjugation women's bodies and minds. Blah, blah, blah dichotomies suck. Blah, blah, blah the brain and body are both beautiful. Thankfully because this is a blog there is no need for footnotes--just trust that I know a lot about this stuff.

OK with that for an introduction, I went running again today. My inner dialog went like this:
Brain: "thanks Body, for finally getting your act together."
Body:"You know what? Fuck you, Brain--you can't understand what I've been through and I'm doing this for me not for you just because you're all depressed and needing endorphins."
Brain: "Well this is hard for me too--I hate change! You aren't the only one suffering so stop feeling so sorry for yourself. You were never the superstar, anyway."
Body: "Why do you only love me when I'm skinny?"
Brain: "Oh shit, do we have to talk about this again?"

Uh. The point is that all of this is getting easier, but I'm still a freakin gimp.

Last night CL and Brandon took me to a Mudhen Rugby fundraiser--lube wrestling. Holy Moley I miss rugby. I miss the women who play. I miss the game. I miss getting hit. I miss hitting. I miss drinking beer like you've really freakin earned it. I miss flashing my boobs at my teammates and making really obscene gestures and the like. Next weekend is the rugby Alumni Game in Eugene. It couldn't come at a better time.

I feel like I'm at a good enough place mentally and physically that all of this stuff I had put "on hold" when I got sick is finally starting to... thaw out? Of course I have to be all cryptic about it because it involves people other than myself. So let's have a celebration for the fact that it's not all about Cancer and Me these days. Holler!

My ovaries: ass kickers

I went to Portland for the weekend. I brought a camera full of new batteries and took approximately ZERO pictures. It was a classic and delightful time. Lots of time in Jade and Jesse's living room. Lots of eating. Lots of love from lots of great people. In this story of trying to break up with Portland but still be good friends, I think I'm there. PDX and I know we're not right for each other and I can see her flaws and remember why we're not together every time we hang out but not resent her for them. I love that we can be best friends again.

Now I'm back with my new boyfriend, Seattle and I missed him.

I started a new chemo cycle yesterday: 6MP, radiation, and spinal methotrexate. The spinal tap went a little rough--it took many attempts to get to spinal fluid. As a result, my lower back is pretty sore. Radiation is not much to write home about yet. It takes about 2 minutes and side effects (if I have any) won't appear for a while. So anyhoo, yesterday when I got home I was like, "damn, my lower back HURTS where someone was poking me with a huge needle... I should take Vicodin since I haven't even looked at it in about 2 months." I went to my closet to discover that someone has been regularly hitting my hydrocodon. Hmmm. Then I checked my Xanex. Also severely depleted. I'm pretty 100% sure I know which of my roommates has been taking my meds and it's like, "shit." What am I supposed to do? This same person owes me $215 in back utilities. But who steals meds from someone who has cancer AND is their friend AND is their roommate? That is just so fucked up.

Here is the truly awesome news of this post: I got my period again! Even after the 6MP overdose (and 6MP is a fertility killer) my body, my ovaries are still fighting. Since not being able to have kids is one of my greatest fears, and it's pretty rare to menstruate mid-treatment I am feeling really positive about what this all means. March left me a little shaken--our bodies are breakable (we need blood cells) and fragile and it sort of undermined my confidence in my physical body to take everything in stride, but this has definitely restored much of my confidence.

Final Assessment of Life This Week: Totally Awesome

Iron Woman

Just got my CBC back and everything looks NORMAL. Yes, that is right. I have an immune system! Not the kind I came in with... but one that will fight infections! I hit the Hosp with a 12.3 WBC, my low was 0.2 and I'm back at a very reasonable 6.3. All my other CBC numbers are comparable to a healthy 25 year old. Holler!

Dr. K says he can't remember the last time he saw someone tolerate chemo this well or have numbers bounce back so quickly. I'm in the top 1%!!!

Monday I have to go back to the H for some spinal and some nasty-style chemo, but it's only for about 12 hours.

Currently I'm sitting in out-patient waiting for my Asparinginase to drip and afterwards Q-Crew is hitting Hidmo for Entrian.

ps. there is no spell check on this browser! Yowser!

My ovaries: Bad Ass

Today I got my period. No one ever said it was over for good, or anything like that, I just... assumed. But Chemo obviously pales in comparison of the Awesomeness of the Moon and my own Yonic-ness. ROOOOOARRRRRRRR, Omega!!!!!!!!

I'm hoping this explains a lot of the back pain I've been experiencing? Just in case we have not one but TWO fun tests coming up. Monday is my PetCT, and Tuesday morning I'm getting a back MRI just to make sure these ARE angry rugby injuries and are NOT little tumors. Interesting note: Lukemia Cutis likes scar tissue. Let's not think about that.

Oh, and I made a personal choice to re-join Facebook so I could play Scrabulous. I'm unsure of whether this was wise.