When you're in hell, just keep going

Dramatic, much? That's some advice my crazy pants ex boyfriend gave me in college. God love him, that was one of the wisest, most obnoxious things he ever said.

Tuesday I went back to Alta Bates for another stab (haha) at chemo. My nurse, Valarian ("he's Fillipino...they're really good at finding veins...") hit the vein on the first try with the big needle. Huzzah. We then waited for 2 hours for the pharmacy to mix 2mg of Vincristine. You win some, you lose some. Nurse V also seemed to have read the Vinc instructions and pushed it over the correct amount of time. AB: leaving on a high note.

I called Dr. K who said he was sorry that things were rough but that they missed me and would be happy to see me in Nov/Dec/Jan. Our compromise (darn you, Dr. K) is that I have to go back to weekly CBCs (argh!) and I will do them drop in style at Alta Bates. My nurse prac there will fax the CBC/Chem panel to Dr. K. Infusions will be done in Seattle.

The last two weeks were a little rough. School picked up which wasn't too overwhelming, but I faced another round of "adjustment" mental and physical style. The whole thing culminated in public tears on Wednesday morning where I felt sooooo sorry for myself. Here I am, at this amazing graduate program taking all these cool classes that aren't really that demanding and my life is soooo hard because I'm plagued by all sorts of existential questions like "what am I doing with my life?" And "why is that the right thing to do?" I wanted to call my mom because my adviser had been mean to me, but I was like, "Jessie, get a grip. You did not enjoy hearing about other people's problems when you were in treatment."

So. I smoked a cigarette, drank 20 oz of diet coke, and got Real. It's gonna be fine. And since that moment, it has been fine. And 5 years ago that would have been 3 cigarettes and like 44oz of diet coke... so that's an improvement? I'm here to learn and I'm learning. I've taken out loans and I'll pay them back. I like people in my program and they like me. I only have 3-4 chemo infusions left. If this week sucks, next week can be better. It's fine.

My plan for the week/end is to just get back into a healthy groove. Listen to the new Avett Bros album. Clean my room, yoga, make healthy food, drink in limited quantities, balance social activity with time alone, call people at home to say heyyyyy.

In the ingenious words of Micheal Franti,

The future's comin' on like a bomb
The whole worlds rockin' and the beat goes on
Ready or not we're bringing it on
The whole world's rockin' and the beat goes on

Life so far

I have now been in Berkeley for almost an entire continuous week. It feels like 10 weeks.

Classes: are good! I don't have any previous experience in any of the areas we're studying (politics, econ, stats, law) but I feel (perhaps prematurely) that I can totally do this. So far it's even been enjoyable learning. And not working? Well that's just icing on the cake.

Home: is coming together. Here is my new room!

After 3 trips to IKEA, I finally have enough receptacle space for all my shit. Friday night I went into the Depths of Hell for hopefully the last time. I bought a desk, came home, assembled said desk, and then hung up all my paintings. Next I'm going to get to work on our common space. We need art on the walls, a toaster, a table, and... some character. Also if I get a particular cord we can hook up the TV to the DVD player and actually watch movies.

Social life: I'm so freakin tired. On Saturday night I braved a party with my classmates and was very happy that I did. Making conversation between classes has been difficult for me, but put in me in a situation when I have a beer in my hand and can swear a lot? Perfect. Much like classes, I'm getting the feeling that I can do this. I can make new friends. I can build another community. Other than that, I'm just trying to keep yoga-ing (I keep having dreams where I can finally get my foot behind my head... so close!), do all of my homework, and of course spend inordinate amounts of time on Facebook. Breaking out beyond these activities requires my super powers, but hopefully as things settle down I will be able to return phone calls. But yeah, I miss all of you.

Cancer: things are ok. I have a new oncologist down here and my first appointment was fairly disappointing. I think it was a combination of 3 things:
1) No one will ever be Dr. K and the Swedish staff. They were totally amazing, we went through a lot together and they saw me all the way through--no new doctor coming in at the 11th hour is going to be able to beat that.
2) He really isn't as cool or lovable as Dr. K. Even objectively. And he didn't seem to give a shit. I'm a maintenance patient. I have no problems. It's not thrilling to see me looking healthier and healthier every week because he wasn't there when I was really sick. And also, I think he might kind of an ass hole.
3) Whenever I see a new specialist, I have to re examine the ALL diagnosis, the treatment plan, and my own agency in it all. Dr K, for reasons I completely understand, left no gray area when it came to treatment or diagnosis. He was like "this is it, this is what we're doing" and it was kind of nice because as the patient you are actually the person saying, "yes, you may put this poison in my body and I authorize it" and technically you have the power to deny any part of your treatment. And so you have to trust that your doctor knows what's up because you have no idea. I hate it when other oncologists then look at my treatment and say "well I would have done this differently" because look, dude, I just spent a year in hell because I thought it was the only way through so please for the love of God do NOT undermine my shakey confidence in what I am doing. Anyway, my new onc was just like "oh I don't do it this way..."
However, one of the things he doesn't want to do is see me every week for a blood draw! So hopefully I can just move to going in every 4 weeks for my Vincristine.

So that's the short of it. It's going to be ok.

Sexy sex

My tracking software has recently informed me that when you do a google search of "sexy topics" my blog comes up second. Hot. Hot. Hot.

And of course I still win when you google "the world will end tonight."

I am pretty fucking proud of that.

My post "On the sexy topics of sex and dating" may actually be my most popular hit. And self aggrandizement aside, maybe kind of relevant if you're a hot cancer chick who feels like her mojo is a little low due to some crazy hormone whacking chemo, the loss of hair, the placement of a port, the constant constipation/diarrea... you know, the sexy parts of cancer. Maybe.

Well, low mojo chemo bro, there is a light at the end of tunnel. And least, I'm seeing it.

Here are things that make me sexier because of cancer
-I love my body and appreciate it like never before
-the cancer experience gave me lots practice in voicing my needs (meaningful look)
-I still have a great rack
-I have adorable short hair
-yoga, my chemo rehab, has made me really flexible and increased my endurance

Lately the world has felt like my oyester. I think my boyfriend, Seattle, is making one last attempt to woo me even though he knows it's too late. But that doesn't stop him from pulling out all the stops: non-metaphorical boys to date, fantastically good times with old friends, connection to community, better weather... Nice try Seattle, I know it's time for a change.

Berkeley sent me an email yesterday with info about... you know, starting school. Lately I've been so overwhelmed by work that I can't possibily imagine anything past June 29. On June 29 I'll launch 3 of my summer programs. By that day I'll have compliance paperwork for over 125 members completed as well as a fully trained staff of 15 ready to do my bidding. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I mean, it HAS to happen, but how? So I can't possibly be thinking about things like finding an apartment, re-learning high school math (calculus? really?), and registering my car in the state of CA. Bleh.

Another interesting fact about my "class": no other Washingtonians! Only 4 PNW-ers! 2 Portland, a Boise, and me. In a class of 84 people! What the heck! Everyone is from California, DC, or New York. Bleh! Will people judge me for wearing chocos to formal events?

Bah, I'm going to yoga because I can only get sexier. Am I right?

Hi

I just finished my graduate school essays. My personal history statement about how cancer has changed the way I feel about my life was the most difficult to write. In the end, I ended up distilling the experience into the three biggest ideas: that I realized I harbor a positive attitude at the root of my personality, that I have new appreciation for what hope is, and that I am infinitely grateful for my investment in community.

I thought my grateful attitude was a new thing brought about by cancer, but I just found this great journal entry from November 22, 2007:

“There are so many more amazing things to come. The last few years have introduced almost exclusively wonderful things into my life and yet I still struggle with their impermanence. Living in abundance—a paradigm that I love and that is not finite seems more and more appropriate.

Things that are abundant:
Love—the love of my friends
The possibility that something good will happen

Who is to say that Nathan, my favorite jeans, my friends in PDX, my professional life, the production of good music… there is no end to crushes, creativity, and my own potential. I’m thankful for Wilco, my health, my friends, and my family. There is always more.”

Sometimes I look at shit like this and shake my head. Am I seriously that girl? I think that yes, I am. It’s ridiculous.

Anyway, I feel excellent right now. My application is complete, it’s 4pm and I’m still in my pajamas, Phil Collins is playing, we have a 90% chance at a great new roommate, my sister comes tomorrow, it’s Christmas time, I just found this fantastic journal that I forgot I started last November before I got sick…

If you’re wondering how I am, I’m good. I work all the time now. I’m tired all the time. I am getting fat because it’s Christmas and I am eating a ton of sugar and my digestive system is functioning properly and helping me absorb thousands of bad calories. I made 12 rum cakes the other day. I still can’t feel my toes. I can do a half moon in yoga without putting my hand on a block…

I will continue to update on occasion, but for all you cancer blog fans out there, the best of it is Feb-August 2008. Cancer is really short. We were talking about that the other month in my LLS group—that treatment feels like forever, but really, it’s a remarkably short span of time for most folks. It doesn’t mean I don’t grapple with cancer-related issues every day (like health insurance for grad school! Blah!) but I think it’s probably significantly less interesting.

Good news

I just got an email from the UW. They say in all of their materials that they don't grant deferrals and so on Monday I sent them a letter thanking them for the offer of admission but explaining that it wasn't feasible for me to return to school as early as fall. I said that I was planning on re applying for fall 09. Today they let me know they were granting me a deferral of ADMISSION and I should let them know next fall if I'm interested and I'm in! This is exciting because Public Admin programs were recently re-ranked and UW jumped from like 30 to 15. When I saw that, my admission didn't feel as guaranteed in next year's applicant pool as I originally thought. But it is! I think the most amazing part of this is that someone actually read my letter and then made a decision based on my specific situation. It makes me feel about 10X more interested in UW, but I'll still apply to other programs for fall 09 anyway. Apparently, I'm hot shit!

Set backs

Well, well, well. What a humbling week!

Yesterday afternoon I checked BACK into the H because Friday night's test results suggest I have a staph infection in my blood. Yarg. This is AFTER I tried to convince everyone at work that I was doing a great job taking care of myself and that I was on the mend... ready to hit it! Yarg. Again.

So the deal-io is that I'll stay here until my blood cultures re-grow so we know what we're dealing with. There is a small chance nothing is in my blood and that the blood from Friday was contaminated... that's my hope. Anyhoo, in the mean time they gave me a serious dose of anti-biotics which I reacted to not well. My head got all hot and red and itchy and then later on I threw up a whole lot. Let me tell you, a great St. Patrick's Day. I sincerely hope yours was better. So between the Adivan and the Benadryl IV and the fact that I'm still pretty freakin dehydrated and anemic (more anemic today--Hematocrit is at 18!) I am finally slowing down and sleeping. And I get 4 more units of blood.

The good news of yesterday is that the UW called to congratulate me on my acceptance to the class of 2008!