T-giving, philosophized

Kairol and the Thankgiving holiday have inspired me to try and put words to some thoughts that have been bouncing around and changing for the last two years: am I thankful for cancer?

For the longest time I was adamant that cancer was a bad thing, that I would never choose to re-live all of this if given the chance... But now that things are mostly over and done with, I've been re-considering. When you get a certain distance out from most big Life Happenings, so much has gone down and shifted around that it becomes impossible to extricate Life Now from the Life Happening. And depending on how you feel about Life Now or Reality, as I like to call it, it's all dependent LH.

Right before I left Seattle Dinner Club did a Whidbey Island retreat. On a lovely hike along the bluff, we were discussing the happening of our 3 years together and CL said to me, "I don't want you to take this wrong, but you are so much happier than you were [before cancer]" and I realized she was right--really right.

It's hard to say whether it was cancer or just getting older. But I have come out the other end of all of this with more... confidence? It seems like the wrong word because I've always linked the idea of confidence to appearance or aptitude... but really, I feel better at life. I got pitched a doozey and I fucking nailed that sucker. And yes, luck was on my side, but it made me feel more confident about inner-Jessie and her ability to respond to trauma, to find joy and humor in adversity and to keep going.

It's kind of pointless to speculate too hard on what would have happened if I hadn't gotten sick, but I will anyway. I think most glaringly, I would have entered the 2010 class at the UW Evans School instead of waiting a year and going to Berkeley. Everything that happened that last year in Seattle: getting my first taste of being a Boss, calling an end to the Crappy relationship, being part of the Crazy relationship, making lots of new friends, being part of Jessie and Julian's Epic Spring Party Marathon, getting to mentor another fabulous year of AWESOME teenagers... all of which shaped who I am and where I am now.

But at the end of the day, I still decided to be perversely thankful for my cancer (but not anyone else's). And truly thankful for my friends and family, my health insurance, my generous employers, for all the new people it brought into my life, and mostly for the opportunity to be here and now...

And yeah, I have a paper due tomorrow which I am NOT writing because I am updating here. Sigh.

Swedish Cancer Institute: the best place in the WHOLE world

15 down, 2 to go!!!!

Yesterday I flew up to Seattle for the day. The whole day was absolutely wonderful. It started with Julian and I at Pho Hai Yen for some rockin Rainier Valley pho and a tour of NoBea. Julian is fabulous. While part of me would like him to realize that there is no life in NoBea without me (and that he should move to the East Bay) it gives me even MORE pleasure to see him so happy and thriving in an environment I know for sure to be a GREAT PLACE. I guess that's a good thing :)

Then I went to Swedish. I had been wondering if I was being a total prima donna about the whole switch back, but the MINUTE I walked into Swedish I knew I had made the right choice. The front desk ladies were so happy to see me! My phlebotomists gave me a hug! People couldn't stop telling me how happy they were to see me and how absolutely fantastic I was looking. Dr. K and I had a longer sit down than we have in months. He told me how proud he was of me and how fantastic I looked had me flex my rockin abs for him (very appreciative) and hugged a lot and talked about all the parts of this journey that had brought me to better places. Perhaps more importantly for my readers, we talked all about the FUTURE. The FUTURE post-treatment. What it means when I am no longer tethered to an IV pole and cell-killing poisons!

The plan:
December 16: second to last infusion at Swedish
January 13: LAST infusion
Sometime in January: full PET, bone marrow biopsy, brain MRI, full blood panel... intentionally missing in this series of tests is the SPINAL TAP which Dr. K waived as I had a clean one last spring during my migraine-month.
After everything comes back clear, I'm on to semi yearly check ups which I have a feeling will consist mostly of hugs.

After seeing Dr. K I went up to treatment. Jenny B, one of my fave nurses was assigned to me which was a good time. Anita, who is my magic IV starter was on lunch, but when Jenny told her I was outside, she left her lunch just to start my IV--on the first try! Later Jenny said that Anita does not usually do these things, but that she has a liking for me! Maura and Marilyn came by for hugs and to postulate when in fact, Marilyn's son and I can get married. Maybe in a few years.

All I can say is that these are my People. I love the staff at Swedish so much.

Then I was off to an early Dinner Club (sans CL) at the AC and RAchel's. Rachel made an incredible vegan feast that involved garbanzo beans and we just enjoyed a reunion of our community. Rachel drove me back to the airport after dinner and I was in Berkeley, in my bed, by 11pm.

Damn, Seattle. You've been working out. Yesterday you were 40 degrees, sunny, and beautiful. It worked. I'll declare on the internet that I'm still madly in love with you. Wait for me, baby. I'll be back in 18 months.

Crash, burn, get up

Ah, the fog has cleared. Every few months I have a Crash and Burn few days where I just totally, totally “bonk out” as they say in endurance sports. Last week was kind of a lot—the 4 mile run, yoga, work, Cytoxan, the party, the Portland visitors… and I bonked out. But the good news is I am much better at dealing with bonking than I was the first few times. Here are the lessons I’ve learned:
-continue to eat and drink water even though you feel like crap
-freakin take your Zofran before the nausea gets really bad
-it’s OK to sleep…
-as long as you are sleeping and not just lying in bed, lacking the motivation to get up

Once I reach the lying in bed with no motivation to get up, then it’s time to get up, force feed, and go to work and attempt to engage in life. That was today.

To give you a run down, I went to the party on Friday night where I must now digress and share the uninteresting update: party not that awkward. There were a ton of people there, including a lot of people that I am friends with so while I had many normal and pleasant interactions with the young man in question (including a moment I know he was checking out my ass in my jeans—and it looks good) there was no awkwardness. Well done, Jessie! As for the evening’s entertainment, my friend Elisa is a sex educator for Planned Parenthood and my new friend Nathan seemed to know a lot about sex and so most of us listened raptly to advice about... stuff. Let's just say I learned a lot.

Anyhoo, the Weeks and Verhoeven contingent made it down around 10, we met up with Birch and I did not go to bed until TWO IN THE MORNING. I know, it was so crazy. Saturday was a whirlwind of tourist-like activities and then just like that it was over. As soon as my friends left I got in bed and didn’t get out until yesterday afternoon when I realized I was hosting dinner club for 10 people. Luckily my mom was lurking in North Seattle, waiting to be useful and together we made BOMB polenta, red sauce, and used Virg’s awesome pesto to put together the perfect late-summer dinner.

Here is my red sauce recipe:
Sautee onions, peppers, garlic, summer squash
Add a bottle of beer (I used Pacifico)
Reduce
Add a goodly amount of fresh diced tomatoes
Salt, sugar, fresh basil to taste

Mmmmmm.

Today I made myself get up and go to work and tonight I went to yoga for the first time since Thursday. I was definitely a little stiff, but more than ready to hit it. Tomorrow I get to go to Eiric’s Wednesday morning class which I love but I think I’m going to have to start limiting my 9:30-11 yoga classes to about one a week if I’m going to start working “full time.”

I was just saying to my therapist that I was getting used to my cancer lifestyle—only working part time, doing lots of yoga, spending the rest of my time with the onc nurses at Swedish… Bah—Real Life, you loom large!

Here is Ben doing plow:

Check, check

Went in for a blood check this morning before the long weekend... Whites are up to 6.6 (holler!) and platelets 127. Go bone marrow, go! However, my reds continue to drop and it seemed like a good idea to get a transfusion this afternoon so I can have a really fun 3-day weekend. Transfusions are mostly cool because you feel so much better with more oxygen circulating. They just take about 5 hours which is pretty boring. I'm going to go home and gather netflix and Miranda July short stories and head in at 2:30.

Again, blood donors of the world: I thank you.

I have no plans for this 3-day weekend beyond doing yoga, watching TV, and shopping for skirts and t shirts at American Apparel. On Monday we have a Quest reunion with Danina and Lynn and dinner club. Awesome!

Oh, and Sarah Palin? Perhaps I will write a brilliant blog about my thoughts on the DNC and those speeches while I'm getting stranger-blood dumped in my body. O e t t i n g e r, out.

Gosh darn it

Would you believe that there’s a “Blogging for Blood Cancer” week and that this is it? Well, believe it, baby! Since I love blogging and in particular, blogging about blood cancer, I thought I would try to blog every day this week!

And how appropriate too. Because instead of feeling all healthy-like I am feeling pretty cancer-y today. My chemo from Thursday night is starting to take effect: my mouth hurts, I’m tired, my body is SORE from yesterday’s yoga class… Oh, cell death!

But before everything started to suck, I had a nice weekend. On Saturday I went to a community garden work project (yay community! yay gardens!) where there were goats! I love goats! And then my mom and I went to Nordstrom and bought new clothes. When I got home I forced myself to purge my t shirt drawer down to the scant few items I actually wear. Yesterday I went to yoga, had lunch at Geraldine’s (cornbeef sandwich, fries, diet coke, coffee) and then writhed in pain all afternoon because hello! my GI track is dying too! Buy I rallied for dinner at the Lemongrass with the Christinas and my mom. God, I love food. However, I think it’s back to wheat thins and bananas for the next few weeks while I wait for my stomach lining to come back…

The Gays: Something to be Proud of

Bad picture of hot Lesbian Firefighters

Gay Churches
Gay Seattle Utilities!

Iron Woman

Just got my CBC back and everything looks NORMAL. Yes, that is right. I have an immune system! Not the kind I came in with... but one that will fight infections! I hit the Hosp with a 12.3 WBC, my low was 0.2 and I'm back at a very reasonable 6.3. All my other CBC numbers are comparable to a healthy 25 year old. Holler!

Dr. K says he can't remember the last time he saw someone tolerate chemo this well or have numbers bounce back so quickly. I'm in the top 1%!!!

Monday I have to go back to the H for some spinal and some nasty-style chemo, but it's only for about 12 hours.

Currently I'm sitting in out-patient waiting for my Asparinginase to drip and afterwards Q-Crew is hitting Hidmo for Entrian.

ps. there is no spell check on this browser! Yowser!

Warning: Marathon of Cancer and non Cancer Thoughts

Friday afternoon EDWARD accepted our invitation to live in the Mansion! Hooray! We have a roommate! He seems great! The search is over!

On Friday night my mom came back in to town and thank God. When Rachel moved into the Mother-in-Law she left her room its hideous shade of beige, but first randomly painted some streaks of olive and sage green on various walls. Thanks, Rachel. I was pretty depressed about this, but I wanted the walk-in closet so much that it seemed worth it to move into the badly painted room and just deal with it… later. But my mom is almost as manic as I am (even without the Prednisone) and on Friday night she made a trip to Lowe’s for primer and paint. In less than 16 hours she primed my room and painted both the ceiling and the walls. It looks so beautiful. Besides being a brilliant theologian she also happens to possess a gift for painting.
Please note all the things about my room that White People Like: Ikea Bookcase, Expensive Sheets from Garnet Hill, and One Nice Piece of Vintage (nightstand in corner was Christmas gift from dad…)

Saturday afternoon the Pereirras were in town so they swung by. Birch and Cliff moved all of my furniture down the hall and Chere and my mom made my bed for me. I just sat there letting myself be helped. Besides primroses and muscle Cliff and Chere brought me a nice lavender heating pillow and these great White Blood Cell Tiles for My Team. When you touch them, you’re supposed to think good things for my white blood cells. I love stuff like this. I also love Cliff and Chere. They stopped in PDX on the way up and handed them out to some of my PDX peeps, so I know the love is well spread down the I-5 corridor. If you want a tile, shoot me and email! Let’s not forget that Q-Crew was around for the whole moving fiasco and helped by being awesome friends. I made pizza for dinner and they stayed and we got to have lots of good conversation that didn’t revolve around me having cancer or anything Old like that. If I don’t say it every day to someone, I’ll say it here: Q-Crew is my rock.

Today I was feeling pretty cracked out on the Pred (2 more days, 2 more days…) and so I started making a list of errands that I should do while I still only feel the need to sleep for about 3 hours a day. One of my errands was a trip to Target to return the Trainer I bought (Julian has one). Of course you can only find Target in the most disgusting outlying areas of Seattle and of course it involves driving more than 10 minutes from my house, but my mom and I ventured to Renton. It was horrible. Target was horrible. The suburbs are horrible. Right now I can only be thinking of reasons I want to live and so therefore I try to avoid anything that makes me want to commit suicide like complexes of Target/Lowes/Frys/PetCo/Etc. The return was simple enough but after about 2 seconds of attempting to shop for other necessities I felt myself panicking and my mom and I booked it back to NoBea for some Pho. Pho is the answer to everything bad.

This afternoon the Need to Do returned and in the shower I decided, what the fuck? I’m going to shave all of my body hair. It’s falling out anyway! In chunks! Gross! I have never, ever shaved my pubic hair. Oh my god. I don’t think I’ve seen such a sight since I was… 13? I’m not into it. I look pre-pubescent. So let’s re-cap the beating my sexuality has taken in the last 3 weeks:
Shiny, naturally highlighted (if not difficult), woman head-hair: gone
Fantastic, constantly highlighted cleavage: suffering from an ugly white tube protruding
Pubic Region: regressed 12 years.

I don’t think I knew I was attached to any sense of my femininity or that I walked around knowing that at any moment some man might see me and think Ah HA! I want to hit that! But now I feel fairly certain that is NOT happening. And it sucks. I’m not saying that the shaved head isn’t cute or that I deserve it when people gawk at my Hickman at QFC, but… fuck.