Update, Schmupdate

Are y'all still out there? I know it seems like I have given up the blog in light of the chemo thing being over, but it's more like I am just trying to keep my head above water here at school.

Things are... GOOD.

So here is a fun post-chemo update. Yes! There are changes! My weird symptoms that I had gotten so used to are slowly fading away.
-Roaming, EXTREME itches that made me want to claw off sections of skin? GONE
-Constant runny nose? BETTER
-Intense and frequent leg cramps despite my daily banana? LESS FREQUENT
-Inability to balance on one foot due to lack of feeling in my feet?--IMPROVING
-Energy level? BOOSTED. My cardiovascular system has responded well to having more red blood cells and things like riding my bike up a hill or stairmaster are easier in the sense that my pulse doesn't beat as fast to supply oxygen to my cells. Or so I believe.

My stomach and skin are both a little unsure of how to handle my boosted immune system. The initial reaction was FREAK OUT, but I think they're getting used to the extra cells. In particular I think my skin had a hard time with the adjustment and for most of February I felt like I was 17 again. Now I'm just battling dryness.

So yes, it gets better. On Monday I'm going to see a normal doctor and hear their perspective. From an oncologist point of view (which is a little warped) I'm like super healthy, but I'd like to see someone who sees relatively healthy people.

School is crazy busy and I'm trying to be focused, but with perspective. Like, I'm here to learn and not to be the best at anything (FAIL on that count) so as long as I'm learning and I'm trying I should just be happy with that. Personally I'm working on keeping my ego in check whether I'm on the yoga mat or working on an econometrics problem set. It's important to remember that I do these things because they cause JOY and satisfaction and not because I think I am going to be the "best."

Speaking of JOY I saw the Alvin Ailey dance company last night and it was fantastic. Talk about joy. The human body is constantly amazing and beautiful and it was great to watch strong, gorgeous, graceful humans DANCE to music that makes your heart feel good.

I'll be back!

When you're in hell, just keep going

Dramatic, much? That's some advice my crazy pants ex boyfriend gave me in college. God love him, that was one of the wisest, most obnoxious things he ever said.

Tuesday I went back to Alta Bates for another stab (haha) at chemo. My nurse, Valarian ("he's Fillipino...they're really good at finding veins...") hit the vein on the first try with the big needle. Huzzah. We then waited for 2 hours for the pharmacy to mix 2mg of Vincristine. You win some, you lose some. Nurse V also seemed to have read the Vinc instructions and pushed it over the correct amount of time. AB: leaving on a high note.

I called Dr. K who said he was sorry that things were rough but that they missed me and would be happy to see me in Nov/Dec/Jan. Our compromise (darn you, Dr. K) is that I have to go back to weekly CBCs (argh!) and I will do them drop in style at Alta Bates. My nurse prac there will fax the CBC/Chem panel to Dr. K. Infusions will be done in Seattle.

The last two weeks were a little rough. School picked up which wasn't too overwhelming, but I faced another round of "adjustment" mental and physical style. The whole thing culminated in public tears on Wednesday morning where I felt sooooo sorry for myself. Here I am, at this amazing graduate program taking all these cool classes that aren't really that demanding and my life is soooo hard because I'm plagued by all sorts of existential questions like "what am I doing with my life?" And "why is that the right thing to do?" I wanted to call my mom because my adviser had been mean to me, but I was like, "Jessie, get a grip. You did not enjoy hearing about other people's problems when you were in treatment."

So. I smoked a cigarette, drank 20 oz of diet coke, and got Real. It's gonna be fine. And since that moment, it has been fine. And 5 years ago that would have been 3 cigarettes and like 44oz of diet coke... so that's an improvement? I'm here to learn and I'm learning. I've taken out loans and I'll pay them back. I like people in my program and they like me. I only have 3-4 chemo infusions left. If this week sucks, next week can be better. It's fine.

My plan for the week/end is to just get back into a healthy groove. Listen to the new Avett Bros album. Clean my room, yoga, make healthy food, drink in limited quantities, balance social activity with time alone, call people at home to say heyyyyy.

In the ingenious words of Micheal Franti,

The future's comin' on like a bomb
The whole worlds rockin' and the beat goes on
Ready or not we're bringing it on
The whole world's rockin' and the beat goes on

Still here

Briefly:

#1) Tyra Banks on Gossip Girl. Glorious. Over acting, wigs, wig changes. Hilary Duff. Who knew. Lizzie McGuire infinitely more suited for Dan than Harriet the Spy.

#2) American Splendor. I realize the movie came out in 2003 but it was fabulous. Am now interested in reading Our Cancer Year by Harvey and Joyce...

This post is kind of epitomizing my life now. I could choose to blog about the things I'm learning which are really interesting and at times controversial (just like I could choose to be doing my homework instead of watching internet TV in my underwear and drinking coffee at 2pm). I could fill this blog with well crafted thoughts on healthcare, social services etc... But for some reason I'm not.

Anyway, I still get like 14 hits a day because people everywhere (all over the world!) are googling "sexy topics" and clicking on Inertia. My cancer has been mostly quiet lately. The weather is changing and my neuropathy is getting worse. I am ready to be done with treatment and resentful and bitchy about the fact that it isn't over. I miss Dr K, Swedish, my nurses, Chris and Michael, Billy and Yusef, and the guys in the parking garage who would propose to me. Friday is treatment #6 in the countdown.

My insurance company continues to pay, I continue to suppress my immune system, my hair is growing back, and it feels like all around me folks are getting bad news about Cancer. It's a weird place to be.

This last month I was at a yoga class where the theme was the harvest. This is fall. We are harvesting what we have reaped over the last year. A couple weeks ago was Yom Kippur and Rosh Ha Shannah--the turnover of the Jewish year. All of this stuff asks us to consider the year behind us and the year I'm reviewing was excellent--for me. It was full of positive momentum: feeling better almost every day, getting into Berkeley, having a wild 6 months of partying in Seattle, saying goodbye to my job and Community, and moving on to another situation full of Promise... It's like the happy montage at the end of the movie.

I'm trying to celebrate and acknowledge how wonderful this is and balance it with the tragedy that defines the year of other people. It's not just cancer, but unemployment, the failure of our legislature to actually look out for constituents, the hurtling of our culture into End Times... Anyway. I find myself using the same coping mechanism I discovered with in treatment: realizing that life is transitory, mysterious, ever changing, and still wonderful. Believing in transformation, challenging myself to be open to what can be good...

Once, in a yin yoga class, my teacher Janell gave me this meditation to help me focus on holding a pose for a long time while remaining present:
In Breath: This is the perfect moment
Out Breath: This is the only moment

Life so far

I have now been in Berkeley for almost an entire continuous week. It feels like 10 weeks.

Classes: are good! I don't have any previous experience in any of the areas we're studying (politics, econ, stats, law) but I feel (perhaps prematurely) that I can totally do this. So far it's even been enjoyable learning. And not working? Well that's just icing on the cake.

Home: is coming together. Here is my new room!

After 3 trips to IKEA, I finally have enough receptacle space for all my shit. Friday night I went into the Depths of Hell for hopefully the last time. I bought a desk, came home, assembled said desk, and then hung up all my paintings. Next I'm going to get to work on our common space. We need art on the walls, a toaster, a table, and... some character. Also if I get a particular cord we can hook up the TV to the DVD player and actually watch movies.

Social life: I'm so freakin tired. On Saturday night I braved a party with my classmates and was very happy that I did. Making conversation between classes has been difficult for me, but put in me in a situation when I have a beer in my hand and can swear a lot? Perfect. Much like classes, I'm getting the feeling that I can do this. I can make new friends. I can build another community. Other than that, I'm just trying to keep yoga-ing (I keep having dreams where I can finally get my foot behind my head... so close!), do all of my homework, and of course spend inordinate amounts of time on Facebook. Breaking out beyond these activities requires my super powers, but hopefully as things settle down I will be able to return phone calls. But yeah, I miss all of you.

Cancer: things are ok. I have a new oncologist down here and my first appointment was fairly disappointing. I think it was a combination of 3 things:
1) No one will ever be Dr. K and the Swedish staff. They were totally amazing, we went through a lot together and they saw me all the way through--no new doctor coming in at the 11th hour is going to be able to beat that.
2) He really isn't as cool or lovable as Dr. K. Even objectively. And he didn't seem to give a shit. I'm a maintenance patient. I have no problems. It's not thrilling to see me looking healthier and healthier every week because he wasn't there when I was really sick. And also, I think he might kind of an ass hole.
3) Whenever I see a new specialist, I have to re examine the ALL diagnosis, the treatment plan, and my own agency in it all. Dr K, for reasons I completely understand, left no gray area when it came to treatment or diagnosis. He was like "this is it, this is what we're doing" and it was kind of nice because as the patient you are actually the person saying, "yes, you may put this poison in my body and I authorize it" and technically you have the power to deny any part of your treatment. And so you have to trust that your doctor knows what's up because you have no idea. I hate it when other oncologists then look at my treatment and say "well I would have done this differently" because look, dude, I just spent a year in hell because I thought it was the only way through so please for the love of God do NOT undermine my shakey confidence in what I am doing. Anyway, my new onc was just like "oh I don't do it this way..."
However, one of the things he doesn't want to do is see me every week for a blood draw! So hopefully I can just move to going in every 4 weeks for my Vincristine.

So that's the short of it. It's going to be ok.