Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Truth, beauty, immortality

So far, so good. I woke this morning with a peaceful belly and went to yoga. What it comes down to (I’ve decided) is that if I wake up and I feel good, I should go to yoga because I don’t know if I’m going to feel good again at 6pm when the next feasible class is. My therapist and I talked about this and apparently, that’s very healthy behavior (for someone who has such a flexible job).

Last night I had some prednisone mania—I cleaned out the refrigerator, went grocery shopping, and did a bunch of dishes. It’s such a weird feeling to hear your body scream at you, “Jessie! Slow down! I’m tired! Let’s watch TV” and my brain is like, “Um, we still have organize the Tupperware, and do you think the couch would look better against that wall? and I wonder what the weather will be like in Cabo in January? should I go to that yoga retreat in Mexico? I better make a detailed budget of my expenses for the next 6 months…” So then I took some Xanex (I’m going to embrace meds this time around) and was able to chill out enough to watch Broken Flowers with Julian. Jim Jaramush on Xanex is kind of hard. Boring is a good word.

Class was good. We talked about not letting the past and memories become a reality or something so fixed in our minds. Every thing is transitory and has the possibility for newness every second. When you’re trying to be optimistic about your last 10 weeks of hard chemo, this resonates well. It’s sort of what I’ve been hashing over with my therapist the last few weeks anyway because I have a lot of anxiety surrounding falling blood counts, hair loss, the unknown, etc.

The other thing my teacher said was that we’re all looking for truth, beauty, and immortality and that these things are boundless! For some reason, that just really made sense today.

1 comment:

Bekah said...

I love that.. not fixating on the past or our memories, to create the future.

She's right. and so are you. I've also been thinking over this process. Of almost, allowing the future to happen, in a way that's new to me.

Sometimes not focusing on the past is difficult, but I think we gain more when we embrace what could potentially be our future, without the messy stuff from our past. Or even current happenings.

Sending a hug, over to you, in hopes that this morning you feel/felt good enough to go to yoga again.

All my Love,

B