Do over

Today I tried really hard all day to be in a good mood. I was like, "DAMMIT JESSIE HOW DO YOU EXPECT GOOD THINGS TO COME INTO YOUR LIFE IF YOU AREN'T HAPPY AND GRATEFUL??? BE HAPPY, DAMMIT."

As you can imagine, it was a complete FAIL on my part.

Yesterday was insane. Today I only went to work for about 3 hours. Then I just wanted to die. So I went home and took some klonopin. If benzos are in the same family as alcohol, they are probably depressents which would explain why I felt so morose coming down? Drugs are not the answer to all problems, apparently. I need to unwind from June, but I just don't know where to start.

There are a lot of things for which I am grateful. First and foremost is that life is exciting and dynamic enough to be presenting all of these challenges. So I just need to balance the thrill of all of this stimulous and still be sane and healthy.

Here is the high light from today:
This morning I got up a little early (inspiration credit AC) and did some stretching and reading of Mary Oliver poems.

ONE OR TWO THINGS
Don't bother me.
I've just
been born.

The butterfly's loping flight
carries it thourgh the country of the leaves
delicately, and well enough to get it
where it wants to go, wherever that is, stopping
here and there to fuzzle the damp throats
of flowers and the black mud; up
and down it swings, frenzied and aimless; and sometimes

for long delicious moments it is perfectly
lazy, riding motionless in the breeze on the soft stalk
of some ordinary flower

The god of dirt
came up to me many times and said
so many wise and delectable things, I lay
on the grass listening
to his dog voice,
crow voice,
frog voice, now,
he said, now,
and never once mentioned forever,

which has nevertheless always been,
like a sharp iron hoof,
at the center of my mind.

One or two things are all you need
to travel over the blue pond, over the deep
roughage of the trees and through the stiff
flowers of lightening--some deep
memory of pleasure, some cutting
knowledge of pain.

But to lift the hoof!
For that you need
an idea.

For year and years I struggled
just to love my life. And then

the butterly
rose, weightless, in the wind.

"Don't love your life
too much," it said,

and vanished
into the world.
-Mary Oliver

And with that, I'm off to bed to try again tomorrow.