Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Git 'er done

Yesterday I spent an hour with my therapist trying to talk about the process of merging back into Life without using sports metaphors. It was harder than you would think.

The Hick is gone, my hair is growing back, the scariest chemo is over. Yay! But I’m still really really tired. Pulling the Hick did NOT magically restore my body to what it was 10 months ago.

My body is tired, but what I don’t think I was expecting is that my brain is tired too. It’s kind of discouraging. One of the reasons I’ve been able to be so effective at my job and cover a position and half over the last two years is that I have the ability to focus and work very quickly and efficiently. Much like if I were to try to go for a run these days, I would fall back to my old 9:30 pace, when I work I immediately jump into my old 1.5 FTE in 32 hours/week and after a few hours I am so wiped out. I work a lot faster than I run, btw. So anyway, I’m trying to figure out how to get everything done with my decreased endurance levels.

Here’s something I haven’t mentioned. Lately, I dream about my hair almost every night. It’s weird. I listened to a This American Life about people who have been blinded or lost limbs and for years and years afterward in their dreams they could still see and walk. I dream that I have hair, but I also KNOW I’m not supposed to. In my dreams, I will incredulously touch my hair or look at it in the mirror it will disappear as my sub conscious remembers that I don’t actually have hair.

I was playing with my long-hair wig the other night and I finally got it to look like my hair used to. I put it on and walked around my room looking at myself from various angles. On one hand I think I have gotten so used to myself bald that seeing myself with hair is shocking. On the other hand, when I saw myself with like, my hair I looked so much like I used (but skinnier) that it was heart wrenching. I accept that this is how I look now, and I even like it, but then I remember… I miss my hair. A lot. Still.

1 comment:

Diaphoresis said...

The hair will grow back. Completely. And you'll wonder what was I so worried about!
You've survived the worst - the chemo & I see you're now in complete response; congratulations! I was absolutely flabbergasted when I was diagnosed (non-Hodgkin's lymphoma, a year-&-a half ago) the greatest feeling is to know, once it is behind, that life aint over, I went from wondering whether I'll have at least a couple of years to experience life to living as before, of course at the back of one's mind there's always the worry of relapse, but one can't let that overwhelm or dominate one's life. The only crappy part is, now that I have a preexisting condition, I am sort of tied to my present job that I was planning on quitting unless I find a new one with equally good insurance. Oh how I long for affordable helathcare where whether you're profitable to cover is not a question asked. Anyway all the best.