Wednesday, July 09, 2008

Not the best week ever

Things have been a little rocky around here lately. To summarize the last week, I have felt totally shitty and spent the majority of my waking hours in bed watching TV on the internet. Mostly it’s my stomach, but I’ve also just been really, really tired. On Monday I went into Dr. K who was like, “call me when you feel this bad!” and gave me some good anti-nausea stuff. I know I need to do a better job asking for things like drugs, but the thing is, I hate the idea of taking lots of pills. We’ve been down this road before, internet, remember? Anyway, my stomach is better, but I’m still pretty freakin beat.

How anyone could spend four days in a row not getting out of bed? How would she occupy herself; keep from going bat shit crazy? In an effort to reorient myself with pop culture, I watched the first three seasons of Weeds, and then started in on Heroes. You might wonder why I didn’t watch the fourth season of Weeds… it’s because Weeds sucks. I know, I watched 40 episodes in 3 days. I despise all the characters and the fact that they just make life insanely difficult for themselves. Heroes is a little better, but I think I just hate TV. Speaking of TV, I re-hooked up ours to the bunny ears so we get 5 stations again and tonight I watched about 10 minutes of Girlalicious. It was disgusting, but very soothing. Actually, it’s fairly remarkable that I watch as little TV (Weeds binge aside) as I do being so lame and bed ridden for the last 6 months…

I’ve felt so… scared this last week. Feeling crummy again brings up all sort of unpleasant memories and anxieties. If I feel this bad now, how am I going to react to “Re-Intensification” in a couple weeks? You know I have to go back to the hospital right? I am just now realizing how completely terrifying I find this prospect. I have serious stress about it. I actually have a list of things I’m pretty worried about regarding my next cycle of drugs, but making a list now before anything happens doesn’t seem like it would be that productive. It’s just the unknown, you know?

Tomorrow I’m taking overnight trip to the North Cascades for work. I’m just hoping I find some crazy energy surge to help me make it through… Oh, and did I mention I gave up coffee because it was irritating my stomach? Boo!

But as I like to say, every day I just get richer and thinner. So that’s good.

4 comments:

bernard n. shull said...
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Bekah said...

Somedays, I want to curse all of the healthy, young, energetic people in the world. and make them walk in your shoes.

i hate the no-energy thing. i hate reading that you have no-energy. i hate that you have to go on a trip for work, yet, you probably dont have enough energy to buy groceries right now.

that's a lot of hate. We're allowed to be bitter though, right? to some extent. I mean, you're going through hell and back.

My heart hurts for you Jessie, of the days, I have energy -- I wish I could send some to you, even though it's not much. I'm so sorry you're feeling horribly crappy.

Some days, I just want to wave my magic wand and make all the cancer, cancer related effects, drug side effects, and all that nasty stuff go away. Even if it was just for a short time period. Just a relief, some days... would be nice.

Look at me, writing a novel. Just know, even without any energy -- I still find you to be much more like a superwoman. Kicking ass, taking names, and being you. ah. corny! ;-) but true.

Know, I'm roooting you on!

<3 B

Kevin said...

Yikes. re-intensification sounds not-fun. But don't beat yourself up for watching tv or taking drugs for nausea(ativan did me wooooonders). You're going hiking, for goodness sakes. and if you have netflix, try dr. who on watch instantly. Provided you've got a high tolerance for camp. That and flight of the chonchords have been rocking my world and destroying my productivity lately. And you know arrested development is on hulu, right?

Em Bolles said...

I realize this is a bit belated, but Jess, you are so right about the Weeds thing. That show is ridiculous.

I hope you are feeling better this week...

Also, can you send me your email because I have some recommendations for when you are bored in bed with not much to do.

Love