Two weeks? Sorry I’ve been absent. I know you need your JessieO-updates… Things here are, well, they’ve been better.
A couple weeks ago when I was talking to Dr. K about all the sleeping and anxiety and general badness I’d been experiencing he was like, “Jessie, I think maybe you’re depressed.” The thing is, depression doesn’t fit into my idea of myself as a superhuman. Was Wolverine ever depressed? I doubt it. I mean, sure he was moody and dark a lot, but he never wussed out and started taking Prozac and crying in a shink’s office. Sorry. I’m taking Prozac and crying now, so I can make those jokes.
Oh, where to go from here? I don’t know what to tell you. AC pointed out the other day that I’m not very good at saying how I feel right now, but would rather tell you how I felt yesterday/last week and how I’ve processed those feelings in the mean time.
What I’m working on right now is being sad. I know that I obviously whine a bunch about things that aren’t going well and have general feelings of blah-ness, but it’s been hard for me to be sad about anything. Every time I try to explore feeling sad, or mourning things that have been lost in this process I try to cheer myself up/not tempt fate by reminding myself of all the things that are going well. I’m serious. It’s really hard for me to get any good woe going on because I always have to remember how damn lucky I am.
I’m not sure how I feel about the Prozac. I was really not interested anti depressants initially because I felt like this whole depression thing was situational and not really an issue of chemical imbalance. But my therapist was like, “why feel so bad for the rest of this situation when you could feel better?” and I was like, “hmm…” not letting on to my “What Would Wolverine Do?” mentality. Anyway, it turns out that admitting that I am depressed has helped a lot. It means that I have identified a problem to solve. Sweet. I’ve been talking to someone about being sad and going to yoga and walking to work and FORCING myself to be awake and socially engaged and it’s working pretty well. And it also turns out that the Prozac is making me dizzy so I’m going to talk to Dr. K about what would happen if I stopped taking it. I’d really rather not play around with brain chemicals and I’m feeling better.
Not much else has been going on with me. I’m going through the motions and some day things will be better. I see Dr. K on Wednesday to see if I’m ready for the next round of chemo. We’re looking for another roommate so that’s kind of exciting.
Kelly and Jade are coming to see me this weekend! They’ll be here tonight and are staying through Sunday. We will probably just have an eating and lying around weekend, but as Jenny and I were discussing, those are like the most important people to have: the people you can do nothing with.
3 comments:
I love that you are too smart and analytical to remain in any state of woe for too long of a time period. You make me smile for all the small things I love about you. Have fun in yoga, I just bought you a breathing book, ill send it up with mom. And yes, I totally missed you.
I have been lacking on checking in on my favorite blogger.
I have not posted, for hopes that the scans are wrong -- but it appears, my transplant might not have worked.
But! That is not the reason for this comment. It is to tell you that you are purely wonderful. And brave.
So many people in our world hide behind their feelings, ignore them, repress them, stay in denial. Therefore, they aren't able to find a solution, to the problem they're dealing with.
You are a brave, brave woman, Jessie O. And I applaud you for your honesty, and sincerity. It jumps off the page at all of us who read it.
And lastly, depression, cancer, smelly ;) or not -- you ARE superwoman. Most would've buckled under by now.
But you're doing it. you're living this. one foot in front of the other, and that, in my book is the most admirable thing an individual can do.
Sending love,
B
WWWD? (What would wolverine do?) Probably take the Prozac. And then slice his hickman off by accident (it's tough having blades on your hands). you're right, sadness isn't something that is wrong or always needs to be fixed or that can be fixed, because sometime life IS sad. but if it helps, the prozac is a good thing.
Ok, that's as profound as I get.
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