Friday, October 16, 2009

When you're in hell, just keep going

Dramatic, much? That's some advice my crazy pants ex boyfriend gave me in college. God love him, that was one of the wisest, most obnoxious things he ever said.

Tuesday I went back to Alta Bates for another stab (haha) at chemo. My nurse, Valarian ("he's Fillipino...they're really good at finding veins...") hit the vein on the first try with the big needle. Huzzah. We then waited for 2 hours for the pharmacy to mix 2mg of Vincristine. You win some, you lose some. Nurse V also seemed to have read the Vinc instructions and pushed it over the correct amount of time. AB: leaving on a high note.

I called Dr. K who said he was sorry that things were rough but that they missed me and would be happy to see me in Nov/Dec/Jan. Our compromise (darn you, Dr. K) is that I have to go back to weekly CBCs (argh!) and I will do them drop in style at Alta Bates. My nurse prac there will fax the CBC/Chem panel to Dr. K. Infusions will be done in Seattle.

The last two weeks were a little rough. School picked up which wasn't too overwhelming, but I faced another round of "adjustment" mental and physical style. The whole thing culminated in public tears on Wednesday morning where I felt sooooo sorry for myself. Here I am, at this amazing graduate program taking all these cool classes that aren't really that demanding and my life is soooo hard because I'm plagued by all sorts of existential questions like "what am I doing with my life?" And "why is that the right thing to do?" I wanted to call my mom because my adviser had been mean to me, but I was like, "Jessie, get a grip. You did not enjoy hearing about other people's problems when you were in treatment."

So. I smoked a cigarette, drank 20 oz of diet coke, and got Real. It's gonna be fine. And since that moment, it has been fine. And 5 years ago that would have been 3 cigarettes and like 44oz of diet coke... so that's an improvement? I'm here to learn and I'm learning. I've taken out loans and I'll pay them back. I like people in my program and they like me. I only have 3-4 chemo infusions left. If this week sucks, next week can be better. It's fine.

My plan for the week/end is to just get back into a healthy groove. Listen to the new Avett Bros album. Clean my room, yoga, make healthy food, drink in limited quantities, balance social activity with time alone, call people at home to say heyyyyy.

In the ingenious words of Micheal Franti,

The future's comin' on like a bomb
The whole worlds rockin' and the beat goes on
Ready or not we're bringing it on
The whole world's rockin' and the beat goes on

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